Email Classes

Email Class Excerpt

Dismantling the Ego  --  The sample of this yearlong email class is the week that focused on service.

This class is offered by Living Compassion. All material is copyrighted. We ask that no part of this class be used without permission.
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A friend once inquired if Gandhi's aim in settling in the village and serving the villagers as best he could was purely humanitarian. Gandhi replied, "I am here to serve no one else but myself, to find my own self-realization through the service of these village folk."

Dismantling the Ego
February 14, 2006

Gassho,
What might service feel like if you were clear that all service is serving you?
Gassho

Don't change the world, change worlds.
~~ Francis of Assisi

Dismantling the Ego
February 15, 2006

Francis, Francis what are you talking about? Worlds? What worlds?
Gassho

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.
W. H. Auden

Dismantling the Ego
February 16, 2006

Ever notice that egocentric, karmic conditioning wants service to be humorless?
Gassho

Every stroke of my brush
     is the overflow
of my inmost heart.
~~ Sengai

Dismantling the Ego
February 17, 2006

Gassho
What is Sengai telling us about service?
Gassho

Do your work, then step back. The only path to serenity.
~~Lao-tzu

Dismantling the Ego
February 18, 2006

A participant writes:  Maybe i do not hide so much any more, out of pride or the need to defend  myself, cause the pain of that is too much, and there is no need, whatever is real is not threatened i think. However conditioning is very much active in the 'how' i communicate. I feel often i do not know what to say, and i do not know how to say it, but still i often make the effort to talk (for which i think i am brave). Conditioning is not happy about this. I think the only mistake is not doing the best i can, and listening to conditionings consideration that i should be more 'clear' before i communicate, as well as second and third guessing after i have communicated, about ulterior motives and what have you. And my response is that yes, i do not know all my motives, and i make no claim to, but I still act as best i can. And under conditionings direction I could (and probably would) sit around waiting forever for this perfection to come, through rejection of imperfection, which is not imperfection anyway. I do have a deep sorrow and aversion to not telling people i love them, and i also sense that a story that is not communicated is perfect material for suffering. And one person not communicating can become material for two people not communicating, and more suffering. I think its best to be stubborn about being honest and communicating, even in the face of the however temporary pain of unspoken and made up stories meeting the light. Because there is someone we love under the story, and the danger is we will forget that. You're rambling - conditioning. Actually you are rambling, but it is ok, it will all work out. :) - center  Gassho
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In my experience, not knowing what to say or how to say it is the result of looking to conditioning for clarity about what and how to communicate. Life can communicate perfectly. This is the place conditioning sees as the scariest place in practice-you just open your mouth and say whatever is there to say. Of course, the requirement is that conscious, compassionate awareness is present. That's what is so scary to egocentric, karmic conditioning. Ego is not afraid you're going to say something wrong or hurtful or inappropriate. It's afraid you'll continue to allow conscious, compassionate awareness to do your communicating. It's a matter of practice. I have this little game I play around communication (just in case egocentric, karmic conditioning might get a toehold once in a while), which is that everyone gets three or seven or twelve (or whatever number you decide on) chances to "get it right." So, I'm trying to communicate something to you that I find hard to communicate for whatever reason. Maybe it's a really loaded subject or maybe I have a lot of emotion about it, or whatever. I say what I have to say and then look to see if that's what I mean. Nope, that's not quite it. I try again. Nope, that's not it either. And, I continue like that until, yes, that's what I mean. The biggest help we can be to one another as this goes on is to practice reflective listening. (Anyone who doesn't know how to do reflective listening can get a tape or CD from Keep It Simple.) And, we can even do reflective listening with our selves, which is great practice. Gassho
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A participant writes: Gassho -- Would I rather have anything happen or nothing?  What I see is this: anything already DOES happen so whether I would rather it happen or not doesn't really matter because what happens happens anyway.  If I have an opinion about the happening and try to keep it from happening or to make something happen I think maybe ego has taken over because if there was no ego, Life would just be doing what it does, there would be no opinion and this manifestation of Life that I call "me" would be in total oneness with Life.  -- Gassho
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I'm for that. Gassho
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A participant writes: Are there things in your life that you're in danger of quitting right before success?"  Meditation, awareness practice, life, healing, relationships...  I have my moments when the voices say, "It's too hard, it's hopeless, I can't do it... "  Life itself is the biggie in answer to that question. My father killed himself, his father killed himself, and I've thought about it since I was nine and gone further down that road than I care to admit.  It's this path (waking up and ending suffering) or nothing for me.  As the suffering has been so great, the stakes are high. There's no going back. And sometimes this path of awareness feels so painful and difficult that conditioning says it's too much, too hard, too painful, I'm never going to heal, never going to be free from suffering, life's never really going to be better, etc.  Hard sometimes not get sucked in by or to buy into those voices when suffering and pain are intense!  I have the words "Save your life" posted next to the head of my bed to remind myself what I am being called to do and need to do.  There's a saying in 12-Step, "Don't quit before your miracle" -- similar to today's quote, "Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."  I love this quote!  Many in my family gave up. I suppose my conditioning is that that's what you do when the going gets rough.  But I don't want to follow in their footsteps. In fact, when I said my goodbyes to my father's ashes, I lectured him about what a cowardly thing I thought it was that he did, and told him I would show him how it's done!  I would hate to be one of those people who quit before my miracle.  Gassho.
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Here's the thing to remember: ONLY EGOCENTRIC, KARMIC CONDITIONING SUFFERS. ONLY EGOCENTRIC, KARMIC CONDITIONING FINDS AWARENESS PRACTICE PAINFUL, TOO MUCH, AND TOO HARD. What does that mean? It means that when you are hearing/feeling any of that "too hard" nonsense, that you are identified with egocentric, karmic conditioning and that that's what is talking. Do not fall for it!!! Get thee to center! Gassho
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A participant writes: Gassho, "Much unhappiness has come into this world because of things left unsaid". This one penetrated the armor that hides an unmentionable dark secret in my life. It may be an unmentionable secret, but this exercise points out how self hate mentions it over and over again quite liberally to make me miserable. When no other content works for self hate, this almost always does. It is time to stop this game of handing this club over to self hate to beat me with. It is time to accept the unacceptable and disarm self hate. Here goes! It is the belief that I made a huge mistake in my marriage and that I should be leading a life other than the one I am leading- one of those parallel lives illusions (finally being exposed to the light!). Here's the "story": I married my wife, not because I loved her, but because she was pregnant and her father insisted (shotgun wedding). So was I "wrong" for giving in or "right" for doing the honorable thing? Both of us were lost and suffering greatly and what we had was an understanding and acceptance of each other's pain. Are we meant to be together to help each other through or are we "co-dependent?" Since that time, we have raised two amazing kids. Would they not have existed otherwise? The kids have now flown and we are facing each other. I have a craving for sexual intimacy and she does not at all. I can see that I have a belief in an ideal relationship, that love should look a certain way; a way quite different than my relationship with my wife. So is love a feeling or a conscious act or both? I notice that part of me is such a feeling person and thinks that feelings are what is real. Whatever direction I turn, there is a should. I should leave my wife and try to fulfill my needs elsewhere. I should be grateful for what I have and consciously love my wife. I shouldn't feel the way I do. One thing seems certain- there would not be any problem if the voices of self hate were not creating one. There is nothing wrong. There is no parallel reality. Who knows why we were brought together? Who knows what's next for us? There is no right answer for this. I do know that my job right now is to take this club out of the hands of self hate and this exercise has been a big help. Thank you all very much for listening. I need all the help I can get with this one! Gassho
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The beauty (one of the many beauties) of awareness practice is that it's so simple. We fall for story after story because that's what we're conditioned to do, but increasingly we see that it's always the same story. Here's the story: There is something wrong and there is not enough, so something should be different. It's ego's story and it will keep filling in different content as long as we're willing to entertain its storytelling. Here's my curiosity question: Do you talk about this with your wife? Would she be willing to explore with you how two people, working together, can each and both have the life of their dreams? Gassho
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A participant writes: Here's an ego scam that I'm still falling for. Ego looks ahead to rehearse my day. Then it decides/votes on whether I'm going to like it or not. If I don't like it, then ego tries to convince me that I should like it, or that it won't be so bad. Then ensues a struggle between subs about resisting what's coming and resisting the resistance. Next, ego chastises me for being caught in the struggle or for even having a sub that would resist or having a sub that resists resistance or for not being present and getting caught in the struggle. If I do like what is coming up, then self-hate criticizes me for getting excited and enthusiastic about something in the future rather than just being present. It tells me that satisfaction will be fleeting and is a construct anyway, so I should work on being present and should try harder because I'm not doing a good job of it. All of this goes on to create a general physical feeling of dread and dis-ease, of something wrong here. Good one, eh? Thanks for the opportunity to notice this convoluted trick! Gassho.
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You are so welcome. And, isn't it a marvelous thing that the way out is as simple as dropping the whole convoluted mess and coming back to the moment? Gassho
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A participant writes:  Gassho, yes, much revolves around what i should or shouldn't say and even what my boyfriend should or shouldn't say. conditioning wants me to practice anything i have to say before i say it and, of course, berates me for things I say if I project they aren't received well. at the base of this seems to be a huge fear of confrontation, of being disliked, of being disapproved of, of being judged. how to bring this inside to be dealt with seems to be the issue. Gassho
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Au contraire! I don't believe for a second this has anything to do with a fear of confrontation or being disliked or any of the rest of it. Maybe it started out that way when you were a child, but now it is simply the way conditioning controls you. It's how egocentric, karmic conditioning remains your primary relationship. Drop that internal conversation, cut loose the judge who is constantly watching and monitoring you, and start letting authenticity communicate. Not conditioning's idea of "honesty." That's not what I'm talking about. I mean letting your authentic being communicate. From center we know that it's not possible or necessary to please all the people all the time. There are lots of supremely identified people who would hate the Buddha himself! Gassho
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A participant writes: Absolutely.  This is such an interesting phenomenon.  I have these long conversations in my head where the voices have whole paragraphs about either what I will say, could have said, or should have said to any number of people in any number of situations.  It can be to someone who has "injured" me or to anyone in particular.  The paragraphs are long, detailed, word for word rehearsals--rather like Shakespearean soliloquies, except they aren't very entertaining in the long run.  Funny thing about them:  when they are about what I 'should' have said, I realize that I would not have chosen to say it because it comes from a wounded or sad place--not a present or compassionate voice.  I used to get lost for hours, days in these conversations.  Yet, luckily I have not subscribed to their method of conversing.  I realize their intent is to have me take care of myself, to speak up for myself, and I know that is a loving thing.  I think, however it can be done without cutting the proverbial limbs off of others in the process.  I can have compassion for the one who wants to do so.  She must feel extremely not heard and wounded. 
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Maybe. And maybe "she" is egocentric, karmic conditioning maintaining its role as intimate partner in your life. If it is egocentric, karmic conditioning (which I highly suspect), then the only loyalty involved is to itself! One little test you can run is to do some reflecting and conversing aimed at getting "her" to take a sympathetic perspective toward the other person. Just see what the response is. Let me know, please. Gassho
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A participant writes:  Gassho. . .been doing a lot of reflecting lately, looking to see how Conditioned Mind still has me.  It has given up most of the really blatant criticism, or at least I catch on to it quickly.  There is still often a low-level (or not-so-low) anxiety going on.  And I was reading about the Enneagram types, and discovered I'm a one--yep, that fits.  I always want to do the right thing, follow the rules, etc.  And I can see how Conditioned Mind will use that. . .keeping me anxious after I do (or don't do) something--waiting to see how others will react and making that the measure of "rightness."  And, I notice, that even if I can work on that "judgment," Conditioned Mind has had the upper hand during the intervening time. . .the waiting period, if you will.  There is a sense of dread and urgency.  And speaking of urgency, I've noticed it often lately. . .just this morning, I was dicing an apple to add to my yogurt, and I felt this amazing sense of urgency, to get it done.  Whew!  I noticed it and decided to just be with the task, which felt so much better.  The other thing I've noticed is that, while I'm better about making mistakes, Conditioned Mind is trying to tell me that even if I was able to let it go in one situation, that won't apply to the next thing I try, making each new thing HUGELY TERRIFYING.  For instance, even though I can dance now, even in front of people, I got a knot in my stomach when I saw an announcement for an evening of improv games (spontaneity? aack!).  So I signed up for it.  Oh happy, blessed opportunity. . .the work continues, and how lucky am I to be able to do this?  Brings tears to my eyes in gratitude.
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I know the feeling. Gassho
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A participant writes:  Gassho,  I printed out the list of ego scams and went through it with a highlighter. I was presently surprised at how many I no longer fall into. The big one for me that still remains is the sense of urgency, that I have so much to do and not enough time. This is totally unrelated to the reality of what I actually do have to do. Second on the list: pointing out (to myself) how much my spouse is still embroiled in egocentric karmic conditioning, and that leads right into the one about having to change my external circumstances in order to be happy. I recognize all of these when they rear up but I still seem unable some of the time to discount them, ignore them, do whatever it takes to remove them. Gassho
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That's why we love awareness practice and are eager and happy to practice awareness for the rest of our lives! I was laughing with a friend recently about how often in practice we can think we've sort of "seen it all" only to come up against some massive iceberg of karma that was completely off the radar screen. (In the pure practice of mangling metaphors?) There will never be a moment in life in which we can go unconscious. Isn't that great? Gassho
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A participant writes: Cheri, Today's quote: "Much unhappiness has come into this world because of things left unsaid. ~~ Fyodor Dostoevsky" is provocative.    I projection that far more unhappiness has come into this world because of things that SHOULD NOT have been said than has come into this world because of things left unsaid.  THAT having been said, the longer I do our awareness practice the more it seems to me that I am inclined to voice appreciation and affection for my friends and family.  It isn't so much that I am hearing conversation about what to say or not but that I notice when my "irritation process" gets triggered and I DON'T follow the process to its conclusion of allowing the irritation to blurt out into verbal expression. Gassho 
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Can't help wondering what the world would be like if people expressed freely all the love and care and concern and appreciation they feel. Gassho
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A participant writes:  Interesting question--Is conditioning still monitoring what I express and what I hide?  Probably so.  It seems if I just start with wherever I sincerely am and share from that place, things open up, I can connect with the other person.  With my parents, what do I filter out?  My interest and activities in this practice, for one.  All the things ego says they will not be happy about.  Hiding things to avoid what ego says will bring conflict--but it only ends up keeping me more separate.  With my students, hiding things that may reveal I don't actually know everything I'm supposed to know.  When I just operate honestly from where I am, maybe the lines just open up and we really communicate.  With my spouse, things ego tells me he won't respond to, or that are silly or uncomfortable, that are not the right feelings, I keep in, and then the resentment and anger builds like a pressure cooker.  But honesty can be so disarming, can't it?  Just to be with others exactly who you are to the best of your self-knowledge in any given moment.  Wouldn't this be a wonderful gift to give the people in my life? (and to myself?!) To give them my true self, to be as true as I know how to be with them?  Not to supposedly keep them happy by hiding things about myself I think they won't like or feel okay with-doesn't work, does it?  The monitor.  Yep, I know that one all right.  Be the right person, the chameleon, be who the other wants me to be.  Filter, filter, a different one for each type of interaction. Then we'll survive.  Ick.  What a straitjacketed way to go through life.  That maintenance system takes so much effort, so much energy, makes life feel so "sticky." What if I were to just let it all hang out instead?  Take a risk of being rejected, of being disapproved of, of breaking through that barrier of what others will think?  What freedom and possibilities might be on the other side?  Hmm, sounds like something I want to consciously do more of.  Someone in here wants to break through, to break free and just be me.  Here I am, world, just the way God made me.  Let's play! Gassho.
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I wonder if there is a missing piece in all this. Conditioning would present the choices as 1) be who conditioning says you should be, and 2) be how conditioning says you shouldn't be. Conditioning says it should be in charge of how you BEHAVE in each situation. But what if it's not about behavior. What if you said to those close to you something along the lines of, "I've noticed that I do a lot of monitoring and attempting to hide who I really am from you; is that what YOU want?" You could give them a couple of the examples you gave here and find out if what you're projecting onto them is accurate or not. Often, in my experience anyway, people are in intimate relationship because they want to be in intimate relationship. By this I mean parents as well as partners. People might disagree, might want to be able to hold opposing opinions, but that doesn't mean they want to be cut out of your life. Gassho
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A participant writes:  Notice the scams you're still buying into.   Well, the good news is that when I read over the list sent with the assignment, I saw that I was doing pretty well with most of them.  I also took a look at the list I sent you last year and I could see through the dualities that framed 4 out of 5.
  The scam that still nabs me, and that I still have trouble seeing as a scam, is the one that uses magical thinking.  I read very little fiction these days, because it pulls me out of present reality, but I was home sick earlier this week and finished a novel.  A few hours after I put down the book, I was caught in an elaborate vivid detailed vision of a trip I took 20 years ago to visit a friend in a place I had thought of moving to.  I imagined making the move I sometimes regret not making all those years ago, then meeting, in that different place and time, someone who is in my life now and having a torrid romance.  That evening, still in the grip of those strong emotions, I emailed my present friend about getting together with a 3rd friend.  Nothing wrong with that, of course (or with anything!), but my writing of the note, and my anxious awaiting of the reply was suffused with all kinds of drama and meaning making that are not real.  I keep taking the real and straightforward connection I feel to this person and spinning it into a castle in the air.  I have been doing this all year (and I have done this with other people and things at other times in my life).  It takes me out of present and out of being present to my family, my work, my practice.  Slowly, I have been trying to tease apart the real connection and friendship from how ego and conditioning drag it out of present and into something else.  I remain very reluctant to drop the story line, although I see more and more that doing that is the only way to end suffering and be free.  The story is very pretty, but it is a seductive siren call of ego.
thank you as always for your teachings, your encouragement and this class.  Gassho.
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Years ago I heard this story. A fellow lived with his wife and children an hour or two train ride outside the city where he worked. Every morning he would take the same train into town and every evening he would take the same train home. One day he got on the train and took a seat next to a woman. They struck up a conversation which they thoroughly enjoyed during the whole commute. The next morning he saw her again and when he sat next her they picked up the conversation right where they'd left off. This continued for several mornings. One day he got up and realized he was looking forward to catching the train so he could see her. He never took that train again. Gassho
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A participant writes:  First, I have done a lot of meditating over the way I have lived my life doing many things and quitting.  I don't know if I have ever gotten to a reason why I quit (I tried to make it fear of failure but that just didn't seem true) Sometimes, I (yes, kcm) says I am not consistent, not serious, too selfish?, and just do things without any thought!! Then I just think I like the events and not the outcome.  But I do know the noodling is not much fun, so here's what i am trying, just doing and watching what the voices say (or when they fade out and I just quit) just before I quit.  I also wonder if I always had so many neat things to do or if age is slowly down my ability to do a lot of things and maybe finish one or two.  I've always done things in spurts and this trying to quiet down sure puts a different view on the process.
Second, in our Ft. Smith Times, for February 7, in Family Circus, the cartoon shows a grandmother talking to her young grandson and saying "If you're afraid you'll make a mistake, you won't make anything."  Geez, that sure sounds familiar.
Finally, "Things, left unsaid".  sometimes, I just don't want to start the drama by speaking out. I have been using what one participant thankfully said,  "Don't start the story" all week when I am about to interpret a moment in my life, and can't believe the peace i have experienced.  Also, leaving things unsaid that i know come from I kcm, has led me to experience a great deal of joy.  So I am a little confused as to why it's not ok to hide some catty, sarcastic voices from kcm, and replace with a moment of gratitude and silence until i can speak from center with honesty (a word I have a really hard time sticking with).  Love
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I would be confused about that too! If I said something that made you think I was encouraging people to voice catty, sarcastic comments from egocentric, karmic conditioning, that is definitely NOT what I meant. What conditioning is usually up to is saying those vicious things, either aloud or inside the head, and not allowing to be expressed that which comes from conscious, compassionate awareness. Gassho
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A participant writes:  Gassho.  "Are you still hearing conversation about what should be said and what shouldn't be said? Is conditioning still monitoring what you express and what you hide?"  YESSSSS!!! It seems like it goes in cycles of getting out of the beating cycle and being beaten up. i stop i  breathe, i take a step and get beaten up again about what i said or  didn't say or about what i'm doing or not doing. the latest piece of  content is that i'm not going to be famous in my career. ugh! who cares? egocentric karmic conditioning. it seems to come to me in nightmares full of anxiety and i wake up believing it.  i can't change  my research area to something more in line with what i want to do  because i won't be respected or 'famous' in the field. i changed my  last name to my husband's last name and i'm getting beaten up because  no one will 'find' me, i'm not a feminist, it's too plain. it seems so  utterly ridiculous to me and at the same time there is a part of me that is believing it, hook, line, and sinker! sigh. just writing it i am feeling less bamboozled. if i can just remember to write in my  journal or on a sticky note or into the email class, then i can  disidentify from the part of me who is believing all of the crap. whew.  that is a good trick. Gassho.
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It is CRITICAL that we find a place where we can honestly reveal what egocentric, karmic conditioning is doing and saying. If we hide it, we are colluding with it. There's no reason to hide it-it has nothing to do with who a person really is. So, yes, write it down or find a non-judgmental person with whom to do reflective listening and say what's being said to you. Above all, get it outside your head. Inside the head it is very believable. Outside the head, thank goodness, it begins to sound absurd. Gassho
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A participant writes:  Gassho, "Are you still hearing conversation about what should be said and what shouldn't be said? Is conditioning still monitoring what you express and what you hide?"  Great question!  I read it and all there was an explosion of thoughts? insights?...
.. bottom-line, it's a lose-lose proposition as long as I listen to those voices of conditioning.  Keeping me stuck in the imagined past or imagined future, trying to meet some arbitrary standard  (like "right speech" as opposed to "compassionate speech").  As usual...
  There is the experience of center when things just kind of come out of the mouth, and sometimes that seems a lot like being totally (or almost totally) identified when things just kind of come out of the mouth. I think the difference is that the words were not preceded by thoughts in the first case, and there were LOADs of them in the second. 
  There is also the experience of things just coming out of the mouth that sound kind or mean or happy or angry and just watching it.  In this experience, the words seem "neutral" in some way, not "right/wrong, good/bad" NO MATTER WHAT THE CONTENT!!??!!  Not a sense of an "I" saying it.  So the differentiation between what I called "center" and "totally identified" in the previous paragraph seems to disappear.
  There's a voice right now yelling, "but if you don't watch what you say, you're going to do so much DAMAGE --- if you said everything that came to mind, everyone would know what a HORRIBLE messed up person you are" --- sounds like egocentric karmic conditioning to me working to create an "I."   Some part(s) often falls for this --- I can feel the pull even as I type this --- and the cycle of beatings begins again.  Hmmm... now there's a voice saying "you're REALLY confused and better not send this in."
Now the sense is that the belief in "but if you said everything that came to mind" is one HUGE ego-maintenance strategy in my karmic system.  Kind of like the belief that if we didn't punish children (or ourselves), we'd be monsters.
  Thank you for this opportunity to explore.  The more I write, the more I revise because the awarenesses/perspectives keep changing and broadening.  I suspect there's more here to dig up.  I wonder what it would be like to totally stop censoring (as opposed to watching) what comes out of my mouth?  (Here's that voice again with the same "damage" message.  I can feel a part who's afraid to try it as an experiment.  Like it could result in nuclear holocaust.)  Any guidance? Gassho.
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Well, of course, anything egocentric, karmic conditioning gets that worked up about is definitely worth trying! Authenticity (again, not conditioning's version of "honesty"-"I've got to be honest with you, I think your hair looks awful") is never inappropriate. You know, that's what Zen is all about. True. The Zen masters of old were constantly saying and doing things that shocked people into consciousness. They were outrageous. But they were never inappropriate. They were never shocking to anything but ego. And they were always present. That's the secret. That's what we're going for. HERE nothing is a problem. No second thoughts, no post mortems. You hear it as it's being said. Life speaks, you listen. Center will never cause a nuclear holocaust. The odds of egocentric, karmic conditioning causing one are good. Gassho
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A participant writes:  Gassho, Today I watched a squirrel sit in the bend of a tree and eat a nut. I projected that it was comfy in its little seat and satisfied with its nut. And I projected that it had no voices going at it about where the next nut was coming from, that it had eaten too many nuts, that it better run up and down the tree five extra times, that it would run out of nuts before spring, that it was rude not to share the nut, that this wasn't a good enough nut, yada yada yada. I envied that rascal. Then I read in your responses: "You can give your attention either to egocentric, karmic conditioning or to the breath. Simple choice. Here's the only thing that makes it hard - you have to want to end the suffering more than anything." Well, there's the rub, isn't it? EKC throws 10,000 Really Really Important Things into the path. I forget 10,000 times that I want to end suffering. Then I see a squirrel and I remember. This very moment, no suffering. Gassho.
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That's it. This very moment, no suffering. Gassho
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A participant writes: Gassho Cheri, and All, Yesterday I sat down to write a response to your question of "Consider, please, the nature and quality of your service."  In my response, I was clearly coming out of a place of suffering, since the work I do wasn't going well (I sub in a local high school, and sometimes the kids aren't behaving well toward me or each other).  I left the response I'd started, had lunch with friends, and came back today, not nearly as identified with the suffering sub.  I noticed that it seems I have two ways of being with respect to service.  What I'm seeing is that I do the pendulum swing of enjoying the work while it's going well, and not enjoying it when it isn't going well (as I think about it, this was true in other jobs too).  It's easy for "me" to believe that I'm OK when the work is good, and the world looks just fine, everything is hunky-dory.  Just the opposite appears to be true when things aren't going well, and I get set up for all sorts of abuse from conditioning.  I've noticed when the work gets tough (something isn't going the way I want it to, or think it should), I fall into a grumpy, snapping, stingy persona, trying to protect some part of me from the people and things "out there" that are (seemingly) "out to get me."  There are, it seems, many things wrong with the world.  I also get blamed by the voices for not being better than this in response, since I've been studying and practicing awareness for several years now.  When I'm fine with what's going on, there is plenty of generosity and kindness to go around, and no one gets left out.  Recently it feels like a great karmic struggle, and my conditioned way out of it seems to be to protect myself from the hurt, to withdraw from the work and the world for a while, even to look for work that will be more pleasant, easier, less of an affront to some sub of mine (I wonder what work that would be?).  Yet I know from experience that this would be one of those changes in content, and process is what I need to affect.  Can
you offer guidance for a way off of this duality swing?  Gassho.
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Seems to me there are two essential awarenesses in what you've written. 1) The issue has nothing to do with the job. It has to do with liking and disliking. Very important. My teacher used to say that people die of liking and disliking. The Buddha taught that the first cause of suffering is not getting what you want. 2) This is a variation on that theme-it's not the content, it's the process. Egocentric, karmic conditioning would love for you to spend the rest of your life chasing a job that doesn't upset IT. Not a part of you who is hurt and needs to withdraw into something more pleasant-egocentric, karmic conditioning. And here's the kicker: egocentric, karmic conditioning is not concerned about being upset. It chooses upset, seeks upset, LOVES upset. It's what's constantly pointing out what's wrong that you need to be upset about! If we want to be free, if we want to be happy with our lives, we have to remove egocentric, karmic conditioning from its position of authority in our lives. The best way to do that is to dismantle it!!! Recognize those voices for what they are, drop them, come back to the breath, be conscious of the moment, and say thank you. There is no fixing it, changing it, or helping it. Drop everything and get HERE. Gassho
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A participant writes: Dear Guide: Thank you for your encouragement, reminding me my "mistakes" have led me to awareness practice. My phrase for 2005 - "beginning to wake up". I started doing Zen meditation consistently in May and have continued. This practice has sustained and supported me through a year of pretty massive "head trips" and circumstances that have been very painful to "me". I now have the possibility of remembering to breathe and returning to the moment. There has been much beauty throughout, in addition to the circumstances. Recently, I led a two-day workshop on public speaking, interpersonal skills, and writing. I was able to cause myself to be present at intervals. I was able to be generous and compassionate with my students. Yesterday I attended a lecture at Caltech and the dinner afterward. Almost certainly, in the past, I would have found an excuse to miss the dinner. Basically, to run and hide from new people (the voices in my head scaring me about how they all would be judging me, how I wouldn't measure up, all my personal failings, yada yada). And, as much as I was looking forward to the dinner, I began to experience the same body sensations that used to inform me that now was the moment to "get the heck out of there". Now I could breathe, and remind myself these are "body sensations", and not give them meaning. I could come back to the moment and actually be with the people who were wanting to meet me. Rather than being with the voices in my head. As you may guess, I had a spectacular evening all around and met wonderful people. Also, in the past I would have spent much fear-filled time reviewing all my conversations, with egocentric, karmic conditioning looking to judge and beat up. My new policy (mostly) is "no reviews". So I could let go these voices of self-hate when I was conscious and noticing they were attempting to storm the gates. BTW, I learned "no reviews" at the There Is Nothing Wrong with You retreat in September at the Monastery. :-) My corollary is "no previews". For me, when I can return to consciousness, these are powerful. Ego scams - This morning, meditating, I noticed ego's voice saying, "you have a lot to worry about". Aha! Self-hate very much wants me to believe I am not good enough, inadequate, failing in the eyes of others, . . . These are old and familiar voices in my head, previously on total autopilot. Now there's an opportunity to wake up. Yay! Gassho, Cheri, monks, and Sangha. Thank you.
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And so we go along, putting one foot in front of the other. The voices would tell us that sounds dreary, but we always have the option of grinning ear to ear as we go. Gassho
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A participant writes: conditioning is SO still monitoring what I express and what i hide in some circumstances. How can it not? Trying to deal with problems in my relationship and an attraction elsewhere. and if i express the attraction, then it's causing harm to someone who could live in hope while i go about trying to repair the original, and that just screams cruelty. having said that, i've been finding the best way through, however hard, has been openness. expressing truth, but expressing a more complete truth, with feeling, compassion and reality. So perhaps my objection isn't quite as big as i thought it was :) gassho
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Your "objection" was pure egocentric, karmic conditioning-which you apparently are buying. We are free citizens. We can serve ego for just as long as we want, and we can stop whenever we choose. Isn't that a good deal? Gassho
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A participant writes: Gassho:  I was just reading the weekend responses, which are so helpful as I see myself in so many of the responses.  I read a response you made to someone, Cheri, and it hit me that your short response was, for me, the synthesis of all this work.  In response to someone wanting 2006 to be a year of centeredness, less getting hooked by ekc, etc  you wrote something like, "it would be even more helpful to expand that wish for more acceptance to accepting yourself when you are NOT being centered..."  For me, that said everything I needed to be reminded of.  I have just been muddling around in misery for the past few hours, thinking I needed to "pull myself" out of the suffering and get it together and start acting like a good, little spiritual person.  You so perfectly reminded me that all that is needed is to accept where I am right now.  Viola! Once I made my circle of acceptance bigger (after I read your response), I IMMEDIATELY began to feel less anxiety and tightness in my body.  And the knowing that that wasn't a "better" place (as it would be if I was judging all this), it was just a different way to experience those feelings, created even more space and less tightness, until in a very short time (maybe 10 minutes), my breathing was more expansive, my mind more open and I was feeling so much better about feeling miserable, that of course, suffering dissolved into just noticing all this and I "forgot" that I was "suppose" to be really unhappy!  So, for me, that's it.  My wish for 2006 is to remember to make the circle bigger, so that whatever I am feeling, thinking, doing, etc. in any moment is OK.  It is magical how that opens the way for a more compassionate choice of whether I might want to do something differently in that moment, or not.  Long ago, at a retreat at the monastery, I heard the wisest words I think I have ever heard... "acceptance does not mean resignation" . I think I will make that my slogan for 2006, putting it everywhere as my reminder of all I have learned in this class from Cheri and from all the wonderful responses from the wonderful sangha out there.  I feel connected and part of it all again, and just a little while ago I was alone, miserable and feeling very sorry for myself. I am filled with gratitude and acceptance. The circle is infinite.  Gassho.
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Indeed, that circle of acceptance is infinite. Along with those slogans everywhere to remind you, you might put a large circle somewhere so when conditioning hits you again, you can start putting all its stuff inside the magic circle. Gassho

Nothing is always.
~~ Jane Yolen

Dismantling the Ego
February 19, 2006

A participant write:  Gassho, What is the nature and quality of my service to the world? The voice of self hate jumps right in on this with all sorts of accusations. It immediately finds evidence to accuse me of being stingy, resentful and grudging. It adds to that lazy, disengaged and joyless, drawing on more abundant evidence to substantiate that. Now wait a minute. Let's give the Mentor a chance to speak. I suddenly realize that I just joyously ripped up a friend's check to me because she needed the money to pay for a root canal. I called it the Root Canal Relief Fund. We both enjoyed it. Tired as I was last night, I rolled out of the house to lead two meditation sessions and enjoyed both. It is true that when I go to sleep and allow egocentric karmic conditioning to take over, service becomes suffering. I decided that every night I would wrap up my journaling by writing up one scam that I saw during that day. Yesterday it was more of a classification of scam- a damned if you do, damned if you don't style scam. I had been feeling tired and nauseated and almost decided not to go to work. It seemed as if conditioning had me in a trap. If I went, I would feel miserable, and if I didn't go, I would feel guilty. Either way it would make me suffer. I decided at the last minute to go and see what happened. When I got there and was ready to begin the meditation classes, the voices started accusing me of making the wrong decision by coming to work, that I would now have to suffer through three very uncomfortable hours. I saw what was going on, saw the damned if you do, damned if you don't trap that conditioning had set and I laughed silently to myself. I willed, then and there, to enjoy the rest of the evening's work, whatever happened, and what a difference that made! When it comes to service, I am reminded of Mother Teresa's words something like: "In this world we cannot do great things, but we can do small things with great love." Seeing the scam was a small thing but it was a service of love to myself. Deciding to enjoy the evening was a small thing, but it opened my heart and allowed me to bring love to those I was working with. Doing small things, day by day, moment by moment, in spite of the constant yammerings of ego- this I can do. I realize that I have been expecting a huge breakthrough that will end this suffering forever. Whatever that voice is, it wants perfection. Nothing else will do. So I see it has had me whining and complaining because I have not achieved this. Meanwhile opportunities for practice have been slipping by. No more. The practice of joyful service and unconditional acceptance takes moment to moment willingness and awareness. No matter how overwhelming the fog of conditioning may seem, awareness is like a flashlight opening a pathway to joyful service of self or others. Even in the deepest swamp, the sound of the redwing is sweet.  Gassho
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That voice does not want perfection. That voice wants suffering. If you read back over what you've written, you will see where it scammed you. You're seeing it, you're seeing it (going to work, choosing to enjoy yourself, seeing through conditioning), then it gets you. "Whatever that voice is, it wants perfection." You know perfectly well what that voice is, and when it doesn't have you bamboozled you know it has no interest in your perfection. It wants you to suffer. You've got to start calling it by its true names. You can't let it get by with these seemingly innocuous little references to its efforts toward your well-being. They aren't innocuous and there isn't any desire for your well-being. And, you're right, when we cut loose conditioning, each and every moment of life is a moment to be present in love. Gassho
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A participant writes: Gassho, I just read today's assignment. Am I clear how all service serves myself? Quickly I want to tell what is true for me at this moment. I work in the elementary schools teaching. One of my children's mother died this fall (the child is 8) The child asked me if she could bring in a video from home of her first few years of life  (birth included), so in 5 minutes, she is coming to a room that I set up so we can have a lunch/theatre date. This is her first time really sharing in this way and am I clear about who the service is for? Most definitely! How privileged I feel to be able to do this with her, how much I gain, how much I want to do this for me. doesn't get much better than this. Gassho
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Thank you for that. Gassho
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A participant write: I understand that when I am serving from center, and indeed when my choice to serve comes from center not from judgment about doing good, I feel calm and connected and satisfied.   Beyond thinking.  When I feel rushed or unprepared or resentful or more likely stupid-dusted/dull during service, I know I've been trapped in egocentric, karmic conditioning.   Stop.  Come back to center.  Breathe. 
Egocentric, karmic conditioning is outraged:  service!  your whole life you've done nothing but service others!  how about some time for yourself, for some fun, for some outlandish, selfish activities!    Something tells me (mentor tells me) that service can be all these things.  Now to find out.   Gassho.
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I hope you'll let us know what you find. Gassho
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A participant writes: Dear Guide:  If I was clear that all service was serving me, it would certainly take the ammunition away from my ego which tries to convince me not to serve others, "because first you should take care of yourself", or "because there is not enough time left for others", or "what is in it for you - no one will appreciate what you are doing anyway". Now, if I was clear that everything I did was serving me, this would fool the ego for sure. Wouldn't it?    Gassho
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Well, thwart might be a better word than fool. Something to consider: What do you do in a given day that's not for you? Egocentric, karmic conditioning gives us that old, "you need to take care of yourself" stuff as if that's not what we're doing all the time. Gassho
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A participant write:  Dear Guide, I LOVE your guidance on my long-standing ego-scam:  "Just drop it.  Not another word on [the subject] for the rest of your life!"  YES!!! I have been using the tool of open-ended questions lately, and had asked life what was needed in dealing with this issue.  You supplied the answer, and I will supply the willingness and perseverance to put it into practice.  On the stopping before success assignment:  I was on the verge of quitting my new job, feeling overwhelmed by too many new tasks to learn and dealing with a way-too-high level of anxiety.  I told the boss, and she asked me to make a list of the things I feel comfortable doing and the things I can learn.  I did, and we sat down and discussed limiting the tasks I'm responsible for, getting training in the things I'm learning, and who will handle the rest.  It was fantastic, and I am now learning new skills I am very glad to have.  If I had just quit, I would have had to settle for a job that would have quickly become boring.  Now I have discovered that a challenging job is one that can stay interesting--and provides plenty of learning opportunities (and spiritual ones.) Deep Gassho,
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And lots of opportunities to face and remove the power from egocentric, karmic conditioning. Excellent. Gassho
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A participant write: What might service feel like if you were clear that all service is serving you? Gassho. This is so interesting. I had assumed that looking at the topic of service would reveal what a selfish person I am. I thought that because I do everything to serve myself, I don't do any service. Even when I was involved in non-profit outreach work, I felt like a fake because I couldn't find the "right" feeling of serving others, I was always there for myself. The word service brings up resistance in me and an illusion that "real" service is something that I would hate and would be doing only to serve someone else. I even threw myself into two weeks of service at an ashram but finding that I didn't hate it, decided it wasn't "real" service either. I realize that many of the little things I do may serve other people but have never considered this as service because they are little, and again I do them for my own enjoyment. It is very uplifting to consider that I could drop the label of "Selfish", conditioning has always had be convinced that this is one of those "really true" character assessments. I guess if we are always serving the world in one way or another that also brings up the question of what ways I might be serving the world in an unhelpful direction, ie. serving up too much garbage to landfills. Soo very much to look at here, no wonder conditioning has always wanted to avoid the topic of service. Gassho
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No wonder! Gassho
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A participant writes: Gassho all -  Thank you for this timely question about the nature of my service to the world. In particular, I find I'm kind of stingy with my family. I want to mete out what time and attention I give in little portions so I can keep something for myself, and I keep my eye on my little bits, because I feel they're so limited. This weekend we had a big storm and were snowed in yesterday - my kids asked to play several games with me throughout the afternoon and normally I would have felt very pressured and rushed by it, but yesterday it seemed so clear: what on earth *else* should we be doing? So instead I accepted every offer and we had a lovely, relaxed day together - playing games and making cookies. THAT is the childhood I want them to have - lots of love and attention, freely given.
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And the childhood you get to have... As you've seen clearly, each time we try to have something for ourselves we wind up with nothing because the "myself" we are trying to get something for is egocentric, karmic conditioning. Open the heart and it's all yours, it's all for you. Gassho
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A participant writes: Gassho,   <Consider, please, the nature and quality of your service.>  In my family I was the first born and favorite of my aunt and uncle  who were childless.  My aunt often said to me as she bought me a treat when I was young, "Will you take care of me in my old age?" Of course I said yes because I wanted whatever candy or treat she was buying me..  Her husband died suddenly 12 years ago and I became the one to take care of her, became her POA and eventually her legal guardian. Initially I was happy to handle her life affairs because I could and she was my aunt. Then she gradually slid into dementia, though i was unaware of the symptoms at first. We would fight every time I traveled to see her. I became angry in a way I very rarely do.  and I resented what I had agreed to do for my aunt.  Not only did it require lots of paperwork, phone calls, doctors,  forms, medicare, financial awareness etc...., but because the nature  of our relationship degenerated, I felt such a loss of the one  surviving relative besides my mom who knew me since I was born. I had to move her 4 times in fewer than 4 years, and each move was increasing traumatic to our relationship. I kept doing what I agreed to do for her.... but resentment covered the service.  Finally she was given many neurological tests and was diagnosed with dementia.  and I was able to see that her erratic and angry behavior was beyond  her control. Fortunately we have both hung in there long enough to get her the correct medications and living situation so that she can be comfortable and content. and I have been able to return to serving  her with joy.  Much of this has transpired during the time of I've been enrolled in these online courses and i have been particularly grateful for the daily connection to our sangha. Gassho
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Of course egocentric, karmic conditioning would want to present that whole period of your life and the relationship with your aunt as bad or wrong or a mistake. But I'm projecting you don't see it that way. It has been a tremendous course present by the University of Life. You've grown and changed and found out all sorts of things about yourself and life that you would never have known otherwise. Ego wants to be in control, ostensibly to prevent this type of life experience, but of course it doesn't want to prevent anything, it just thrives on drama. You were willing to go along with what life offered and you have reaped the benefits. Gassho
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A participant writes: Dear Guide, Thank you once again for the opportunity to look inward. I get very excited when we talk about willingness and service. The nature and quality of my service? Hmm... Well, the first thing that comes to mind is that life is calling me to a larger perspective, bigger than just me. Within the past year, I've gotten married and had a child. So, to someone inside, "I/we" went from 1 to 3. Now that's interesting! Talk about separation! I went from a separate "1" (it seems) to a separate "3". (internal conversation: stay on topic! you're drifting, you're drifting...) OK - service! To me, this is exactly about service. When I am separate (whether it's "1" or "3"), my service is a zero-sum game. I can give service to "others" only with the expectation that it's going to be returned to "me" in some fashion or another. Otherwise, "I" am losing out. When I'm not separate, when I can see the beautiful interconnectedness of life guiding me and encouraging me, my service is boundless. It is immeasurable. It expects nothing in return. It is giving for the joy of giving. As I give, so do I receive, over and over and over. Wow - what a wonderful way to start a Monday morning!! Thank you :) Gassho.
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Parenting CAN be (certainly isn't always) a person's first profound movement into service from love. Suddenly there is this little being who requires round the clock service, and because we are in love, we give that service joyfully. For many people this is their first giant step out of "separate self" into interconnectedness. To me, the sadness is that so often folks do simply expand to make the definition of singularity "my family." When we can allow that in-love service to one innocent child to expand to include all children, we are on a joyful path to in-love service to all life. Gassho
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A participant writes: Dear Guide, As I was "considering" the nature of my service, the voices were saying, "I'm mechanical and impersonal.  I use my service as a way to get somewhere else and don't really care about the people I serve.  I am not really interested in the people themselves but where this position/job/etc. can get me."  Just then, the phone rang at my non-profit workplace and I picked it up.  Who was present then was a very kind, engaged, interested-in-helping person (on my end of the phone, I mean).  It struck me how naturally and automatically I turn to that critical voice as I 'consider' how I am.  Here are the sandtraps that I sometimes hit into: 
1.  You Aren't Making a Difference
2.  You Were Meant for Something Else
3.  You Are Alone/Unique/Separate in Your Work (aka They Don't Understand You)
4.  I'm Tired of Being Responsible
Self hate can attach to any of those traps and beat me up for being there.  It's the classic "adding insult to injury."  It's just so much easier not to have an opinion about any of it:  what I'm doing, how long I'll be doing it, what the results are, who notices the results, what other people's results are, etc. 
I listened to my reassurances tape the other day and felt a huge sigh of relief hearing my centered self say, "You never have to choose anything or decide anything ever again.  I'll be with you, guiding you every step of the way."
Service is a huge thing in my life, I noticed after reading this assignment and noticed ego's reaction.  Thanks for pointing our attention in that direction. Gassho.
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I hope you will be turning to that reassuring, mentoring voice more often now. Your insight about turning to a critical voice when you want information about how you're doing is the whole point of this class. We have to get it that turning to egocentric, karmic conditioning to guide us in life is something we have to stop. Gassho
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A participant writes:  Gassho. what i am hearing is not that i have to be more willing... it  is the how i am choosing to be willing that is the difference! suddenly  it doesn't seem so big this whole 'being willing thing' b/c i'm already  willing. interesting. here's the content... i am asked to serve on  another committee that egocentric karmic condition is complaining  about, the possibility is to do it joyfully. huh. in the former  (finding MORE willingness) it feels like walking through a blizzard  (uphill, both ways). the latter, the same amount of willingness is  there....just HOW (now joyfully) feels like i'm  simply turning my body  in the other direction. the joy direction.  is that possible? Yes!  Gassho.
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We talk about looking at what arises in our lives as a choice between A) leads-toward-suffering and B) leads-away-from-suffering." Definitely the leads-away-from-suffering path can be called the joy path-that's certainly what it is. Gassho
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A participant writes: I have just started a new job, and I am struggling with the voices that tell me I am not up to the task (and not believing the gossip that says I was not the preferred choice of candidate).  I have been inspired by the weekend emails in which other people write in about their struggles with the voices as well - I am amazed how common our struggles all our.  I am writing on a point of clarification - I am not sure if I am supposed to be "mean" with the voices or not.  By that, I mean this - when I am laying in bed early in the morning, and the voices have me in their grip, telling me I will fail, etc - do I take a tough approach with them and tell them to "shut up, I don't believe you!" or do I instead say "oh, that's interesting, I notice these voices, but I don't believe you."  It seems that I have more success with the first, drop the thought type of approach, but in talking with a friend who I am working through this course with over coffee, we thought maybe that was a little harsh.  But laying in bed, desperate for sleep, that tough, direct approach seems the only chance I have of getting those voices to stop and me maybe falling back asleep.  Any advice you can provide is greatly appreciated.  Thanks to everyone in the sangha for their wisdom and bravery.  
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Do whatever works! The difference is going to happen because of the depth of your commitment, not because of what you say. If you really get it that that voice is self-hatred with nothing to offer you but suffering-really GET it-then you can simply turn your attention back to the breath, perhaps listening to a reassuring mentor, and fall back to sleep. Don't worry about being harsh toward self-hatred. You're not going to cause it to suffer! The bottom line is for you to learn not to take any of it seriously or personally. Say or do whatever works for you. The secret is to be at peace in your heart whatever action you are taking. Gassho
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A participant writes: Dear Cheri,  I am responding to an assignment back in November.  "What is living on each side of your tug-of-war?"
I did not do this assignment at the time, and I think it is important.  My personal tug-of-war is mostly:  1)  I am at center when by myself and interacting with the world at large, and the flip is 2) .... I am an egocentric "control freak" when with my husband of 17 years and dealing with every day life.  I find that I continue to analyze & critique his responses to everything as too angry, too intense, too much.  Ego wants me to believe that this way of being is wrong.  I know that ego is wrong and that we are all free to be who we are.  But I admit that I struggle.  If I slow down and stop, then I can choose to walk away when he (my husband) is reacting the way that he does.  I can choose to not be present when he is upset.  I don't have to get pulled in by ego and try to make him see that he is "wrong" ... because he "just is"........
(I just read the previous sentence and bingo!)  Or maybe, better yet, I need to be PRESENT for him.  I think he is looking for support at times when he is upset and I have a difficult time being there for him because I don't have the same point of view.  I know that I am much more supportive with other people when they are upset. Any insight you can offer is greatly appreciated.  Gassho.
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The assignment may have been given in November, but it's timeless! Here's my best projection: It's projection. You can't be with your husband when he's upset because you get too upset. If he wouldn't get upset, you'd never have to face your upset. You work really hard to maintain an acceptable level of control in all the situations in which you believe you need to do that. He's not following your conditioned program, therefore he's wrong. But being wrong is not the problem-it's that his upset upsets you that's the problem. If his way of being upset didn't threaten your control, I suspect you could be there, present with him, accepting and reflecting when he's upset. So, if my insights are accurate, your work is to deal with the upset you're projecting onto your husband. Whaddya think? Gassho
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A participant writes:  Gassho, Thinking about service, the voices say, "Oh, you don't even have time for yourself etc." I have been examining getting up in the morning - the voices say, "You can't get up." I have been using my nine minute snooze, to breathe, feel my body, and say, "You can get up." Over a period of time. I have found I can now magically get up! So, "You don't have time for yourself." could be quietly replaced with, "You do have time for yourself." Just very gently, over time, no battles. And magically, plenty of time will appear? I can see that energy was being sapped by the, "You can't get up, you don't have time for yourself." When the voices begin to lessen, and instead say, "You can..." I have more energy. I can see that if I spend time, serving myself first, I will then whole-heartedly serve others. I can see that serving myself, is serving others (I'm good to be around, as happier), and that serving others, is also serving myself (enriches my life, connects me). If I were to change worlds, I would be changing the world of illusion and beliefs (You can't get up, you don't have time), for one of conscious compassionate awareness? Where nothing has changed but everything is different? Gassho
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Giant AFFIRMITIVE from here. I would say that is EXACTLY what practice makes available to us. I "have it all" in a concrete sense (yes, I really do have plenty of time for me since every minute of my life is time for me!) and I "have it all" as a result of having unhooked myself from the clutches of egocentric, karmic conditioning. Gassho
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A participant writes:  "Don't change the world, change worlds."  What comes up after my first response of "I don't know what the heck this means", is, "oh, goody.  I get to explore something I don't know anything about."  Then, "Don't get stuck on the CONTENT of this world.  Don't accept the content of this world as your limits.  Who knows what is available to a mind unattached to what is already known?"  I'm going to hold this in my mind today as I go to sesshin.  Wonder what will come of it. Gassho.
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Let us know. Gassho
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A participant writes:  Gassho -- For the last 43 hours, I have been under siege.  43 hours ago, I had about 3 small steps down from what I would consider the "worst parenting dilemma of all time" show up on my doorstep in the form of a neighbor reporting the activity of one of my children.  Since then, conditioning, ego and self-hate have been on me constantly and heavily in all forms from "what kind of bad parent I am" to "what kind of bad person the child is" and how just about everything I do is wrong.  It has been one of the worst torrents I have ever experienced and has come complete with physical symptoms, lack of sleep, an incredible fear, and rejection of God and my spiritual practice (for a few hours), which in 49 years I have never ever done before.  I spent almost 4 straight hours the first night it happened just counting my breaths to 10, to 10, to 10, to 10 as I went about doing what I needed to do and then in bed trying without much luck to sleep. I am not out of the woods and completely calm, but today I have moments or short periods of calm and equanimity that I notice and feel grateful for.  I remind myself that what I feel is all made up and comes from a thought, and is not a reality.  The last time something like this happened I was not at this stage for several months, so I am grateful to the practice (even though I was ready to abandon it for a little while) for this.  I am also grateful because I have taken some steps regarding the situation that arose that may not be easy but which may actually be a compassionate response for myself, my husband, both of my children and the neighbors.  I keep thinking "If I am suffering it is because I am choosing something over ending suffering" and moment by moment counting the breaths and dropping the suffering, or at least knowing I could make that choice even if I am not doing that in the moment.  This incident has seemed a lot like a hungry animal stalked me and pounced on my back and is trying to eat me alive, but now that some time and mindful observation has passed, it is loosing its hold on me and is losing its grip.  If you have any comments or suggestions, or anything to convey to me, I would gratefully accept them.  -- Gassho 
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The only thing that arises for me in reading what you've written is happiness for you. As we well know, ANYTHING can happen in life and we have absolutely no control over what happens. You have done a lot of work and it has served you well in this time of upset and challenge. That's why we're doing this. Yes, letting go of suffering conditioning let's us be happier in our moment-by-moment lives, AND it helps us be ready when the inevitable storms of life appear. You clearly know how to take care of yourself, and that makes me very happy. Gassho
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A participant writes:  Gassho, "Don't change the world, change worlds." What an amazing statement! I'll bet he was talking about changing from the world of egocentric karmic conditioning to the world of conscious compassionate awareness. Being enlightened in the morning, he didn't mind dying in the afternoon. We're talking about the difference between heaven and hell. I was just at an inner city evangelical Christian church last night and the sermon was about the three reasons for the church experience- to connect to God, to celebrate being saved and to be inspired to spread the word and the love to others. Connecting to God is going beyond the separate ego self, being saved is accepting unconditional compassionate acceptance and spreading the word is participation in the world as a process of changing worlds. When we are living in conscious compassionate awareness, we are changing worlds. This sounds like a huge project to the small self, but the veil between the worlds is very thin. Though I spend so much of my life in the world of egocentric karmic conditioning, even when I am there, the presence of the world of conscious compassionate awareness feels so close and I'm grateful for every moment that I am there.  Gassho   
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Halleluiah! You got that right! Gassho
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A participant writes:  Dear Guide: What resonates in me reading this statement is the interconnectiveness we have with each other and with the universe. So here I am trying to improve or fix myself in my little world of karmic conditioning, and it is all stale and it just revolves around itself. But when I am in it, it feels like it is "the" real world. Then if I open a little bit I notice that others have similar "worlds" on their own, and they feel that their "worlds" are "real" and not mine. And I am OK with that. If I manage to drop this illusion even more, even for a second, and open up to others and to "whatever else" is out there then I feel connected, and whatever I do (or don't do) affects all of these other "worlds" around me to a point where there are no worlds, but there is just "one". Very much like throwing a pebble into the ocean, it changes all of the coastlines around the world. Very interesting experience with sooo much room in it. As far as Francis, I don't really know what he was talking about.....   Gassho
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But we can love him anyway and be happy for the place he was in when he said what he said, can't we? And for you for where you are when you say what you say. Gassho
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A participant writes:  Dear Guide and Sangha, As this class draws toward its end I want to take the opportunity to thank all of you for sharing your insights, doubts, questions, triumphs and wisdom.  My life has been enriched by you and fundamentally changed by this course.  With gratitude and joy, Gassho.
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Gassho
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A participant writes:  Gassho. . .reflecting on how I serve, there is some discomfort.  I have always been eager to help--I do a lot of volunteering, but then ego does tend to get involved in a couple ways.  One is that I seem to really, really want to be appreciated for what I do, and I can get a bit grumpy if I'm feeling under-appreciated.  The other is that I tend to get very annoyed if whomever I am working with/for isn't holding up their end, or if things are rather chaotic and disorganized.  These attitudes seem to taint the experience.  I also remember reading in one of your books, Cheri, a line about how we "never ever put another person's feelings before our own," which really hit home for me.  I know that, basically, I serve because I want to help the world, people, animals, and that is largely because I want to be a person who helps.  I'm wondering how to get to a place where serving really is done from center.  I do start with a sense of compassion and love, and then ego seems to take over.
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Which makes service like every other piece of content in our lives, doesn't it? I have heard myself say half a dozen times in the retreat I'm currently facilitating, "Remember, conditioning will use ANYTHING to take control of your life." Which to me is great to see because now you can use your service as yet another opportunity to see how ego tries to insert itself, how you can drop it, and how you can come back to center. And, it will be really helpful for you to give lots of appreciation to the part of yourself who craves appreciation. Acknowledge and appreciate all you're doing and then spread that acknowledgment and appreciation to your co-volunteers, and everyone will start enjoying what they're doing a whole lot more. We all want love, we all want appreciation-we're human and that's how humans are. Works in non-volunteer situations too.  Gassho
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A participant writes:  "Don't change the world, change worlds." The first thing that came to mind when I read this quote of St. Francis was an experience I had yesterday. The floor needed to be scrubbed (a task that might take all of 15 minutes if I worked slowly). In my old world, I would come up with excuses why I shouldn't be the one to "have" to do it, list all the things I "should" be doing instead that are much more socially useful (ie it is a not good use of my oh-so-valuable time), and any number of other devious devices egocentric karmic conditioning uses to perpetuate suffering. I decided there was another way (another world) from which to look at it, and put scrubbing the floor in the context of "this will be an act of service to myself and my family, done with cheerfulness and love." Well, imagine how egocentric karmic conditioning reacted to that! Several times during the floor-scrubbing meditation I had to leave the world of resentful thoughts that had snuck in, and return to the world of joyful service. It was a very revealing exercise in choosing which perspective I wanted to live in, one breath at a time. Gassho.
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OH, THAT IS SO INCREDIBLY, OUTRAGEOUSLY IMPORTANT!!! (Big letters and exclamation points are essential sense you can't see me dancing around my computer.) That's it. Each moment, special or not from ego's perspective, is  "an act of service to myself and my family (and my community and world), done with cheerfulness and love."
Deal with it, egocentric, karmic conditioning! And, it's a PRACTICE, isn't it? Well done. Gassho
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A participant writes:  Cheri,  In keeping with today's question about humor and ego,  I came across this little piece about the aim of life written by the mathematician Paul Erdos: "The aim of life is to prove a conjecture (for a mathematician it's to do mathematics, for an artist it's to paint) and to keep the s.f. score low. This is a joke, of course. The s.f. is the Supreme Fascist or, in other words, God. The game of life is played as follows: If you do something bad, then the s.f. scores at least two points.  If you don't do something good that you could have done, then the s.f. scores at least one point.   And YOU NEVER SCORE.    The aim of the game is to keep the s.f. score as low as possible.  And if you assume the s.f. is good, that God is good, then you can think of it as: The s.f. want the score kept low. But for reasons we can't fully fathom, he's not supposed to intervene."  It seems that very good alternate name for egocentric karmic conditioning would be the Supreme Fascist. Gassho. 
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Sadly, an awful lot of people see egocentric, karmic conditioning as "God." I don't mean they think they are God, I mean they think that the voice judging them, threatening them, and beating them up is the voice of God. My difficulty with calling egocentric, karmic conditioning the Supreme Fascist is that it makes it seem big or important. I guess if we kept all the letters small... but then I remain partial to the clarifying view of our illusion of a separate self in the three components of egocentricity, karma, and conditioning. On top of which, I don't agree with the original premise. I'm not sure the aim of life is to prove a conjecture or anything else... So, yes, it's humorous, but no, it will not replace what I consider a helpful "diagramming" of life for me. Gassho
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A participant writes:  Gassho, So much comes up from looking at the emailed questions yesterday and today about service.  I see that conditioned mind has certain fixed standards and definitions of what equal "service."  Similar to the idea of "participation." Conditioning is quick to use these concepts to jump in and tell me that I'm not measuring up, not participating enough or in the right way, not serving enough or in the right way.  From conditioning, service looks like obligation, like doing what one should to be a good person, a good Christian, not too selfish or self-centered, to earn good points, expiate sins, burn off bad karma.  The idea or attempt at service activates all kinds of conditioning ploys, like "Oh, you're just doing that to look good.  It's not really sincere and you know it."  Or:  "You're doing this and it looks to others like service, but you know underneath you're not really selfless, you're just the opposite and are doing this as a cover."   So, service becomes quite a drag, dragged down by conditioned mind, until the impulse to serve is cut off even before I get to feel it.  Doesn't feel good, don't go there.  I just don't have time to do service. And self-hate gets to be right, maintaining in the dark its assertion that "you are just not a generous, caring person.  You are selfishness personified." 
  This is a lot to see from one question!  I am starting to really look at this thing called service, and maybe start to reclaim it from conditioning.  Maybe it isn't what I thought. Maybe it doesn't taste so bad.  Maybe it is something I can do in a way that feels like it's coming from me, from that natural, spontaneous center in me.  Maybe I do have time for it, the way I have been finding time to participate by just practicing being HERE. Hmm...
  Then the quote from Gandhi-big eye opener!  Wow, if we just admit it, just get it out in the open (ego hates that so much, doesn't it?) that in serving others we are always, yes always, serving ourselves.  Well, things start looking different already.  Now I'm FREE to serve myself!  Yes, "I am here to serve no one else but myself."  So I've said it.  If Gandhi can say so, why can't I? (Little kid says warily:  You mean it's actually OKAY to serve myself?  But this goes against everything I've ever been taught.  Mentor replies: Yes, exactly, keep going in that direction...)  Then I see that maybe serving myself, coming to my own aid, supporting in any way I can the parts of me that are suffering toward ending the suffering-all that I've been doing more and more in this practice, with this email class-well, it comes around to serving others, too, doesn't it?  I'm not just ending MY suffering; I'm ending SUFFERING.  Like participation, that's where it starts.  So at some level, serving myself and serving others really are the same thing.  Just like accepting myself just as I am leads to accepting the world, just as it is.  Unconditionally loving myself, just as I am, leads to unconditionally loving the world, just as it is.  Compassion arises.  "Gratitude wants to give."  Needs open up and are filled--Service happens.  And like Francis of Assisi suggests, I have changed worlds without changing the world all.   Gassho.
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Well, you know how to take a question and run with it, don't you? Well done. Gassho
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A participant writes: Cheri, Service would be much cleaner.  I get caught up in the needs and weaknesses of others.  The voices get me to focus on others rather than myself.  This is very attractive.  If I was clear that service is about me, I think it would allow me to be present to others, which is what i want.  I'm going to go to work today and try it.
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I'm for that! Let us know how it goes. Gassho
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A participant writes:  Gassho.  Perhaps St. Francis is referring to our "inner world" of conscious, compassionate awareness. My "being" at center, in the fullness of loving self-compassion, is what the "outer world" then experiences.  Serving myself by being/staying awake serves the world, which I project, is what the Gandhi quote was saying.  "Being" in each moment IS the essential self-service...all acts of service will ultimately flow outward from that center.  True outward giving seems then to arise from true inward giving.  And, is conditioned mind near at hand to talk me out of submitting this to the class?  Indeed.   Fyodor D's quote about things left unsaid/much unhappiness is however keeping me "awake," and able to tap the "Send" icon.  Thanks Cheri, Sangha, and all who continue to provide our  "wake-up calls" in this class.  Gassho. 
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Yes, indeed. Gassho

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