Conversations on the Yearlong Retreat radio show and Cheri’s recent practice blog have helped me once again see the uselessness of trying to figure out why life is the way it is. At least in my case, it is always conditioned mind doing the figuring. The cycle starts with the mind concluding something is wrong and ultimately ends up with the question: If Life is so unconditionally loving, why is this terrible thing happening? “Unconditionally loving” and “terrible thing” don’t seem to go together so I usually get very stuck and unhappy at this point. This eventually leads to, “Maybe Awareness Practice isn’t for me after all.”
The Guide pushes us toward looking hard at the conclusion that an event or situation is a “terrible” thing. I have heard that guidance often and after hearing it, have proceeded to – alas – try to figure out how things the ego deems terrible might not be. I have finally “figured out” that I can’t figure it out. This has taken a lot of suffering and a significant amount of humility. I trust the Guide. She knows what she’s talking about. So I’m dropping the figuring out, not Awareness Practice.
I have gone back to the guidance I received when I first started Awareness Practice: Just focus on the breath, show up, pay attention. I’ve also dusted off my old mantra, “I Don’t Know,” and am using it often. Sometimes I add to the mantra: “And I don’t need to know.”
This morning I made a recording that goes like this:
Just breathe.
Be with the breath.
Present.
Say, “Thank you. I love you.”
Breathe.
Attend to the task at hand.
Breathe.
Thank you.
As I recorded this and then listened, my experience became one of peacefulness, surrender and joy. No “terrible thing” there. The moment became all possibility because I was present for it rather than engaged in a conversation in my head about labeling what is happening and deciding what it means. Conditioning just popped in with “It’s taken you a couple of decades of Awareness Practice to get back to ‘just breathe’??!” Apparently it has. To that awareness, I will just say: Thank you. I love you.
Gassho
Kathryn