Last October, I encountered a precept that I just couldn’t understand. When we were asked at a retreat to reflect on what the precept of restraint and religious observances meant to us, the only answer I got was empty silence. I had nothing, at least for the restraint part. It was as if the needle had just traveled aggressively over the record, screeching its way to a dreadful stop, and all that followed was silence. At the time I was deep in a conditioned longing for something I couldn’t have, and from that identified place all I could see was that restraint meant I was losing out on something.
Conditioning quickly kicked in and took the position of “It’s not fair, and I don’t get it,” which had the unspoken subtext, “...so that means it’s not worth getting and it must be wrong.” Before Practice I might have taken conditioning for its word and been spurred into action to do everything I could to “get it.” I might have studied, learned, asked questions, investigated—but from a desire to figure it all out so everything could be set firmly in its place and, ultimately, so I could be proven right that restraint just wasn’t kind.
But because of Practice I realize I actually don’t “know” anything, and that when the time came to understand the precept, Life would drop in the insight. So I recorded and listened and kept myself open. Of course I didn’t have to wait long.
A few days after leaving the monastery, I pulled a copy of the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu off the bookshelf in the cottage where I was staying. I randomly opened to a page and read this: “In caring for others and serving heaven/There is nothing like using restraint./Restraint depends on giving up one's own ideas…”
I’m not kidding.
Since then, every few weeks something like this—a new way of thinking about restraint—has dropped in from Life. Just the other day I again opened a book randomly to come across this poem by Rumi, “Hold on with all your strength to the stirrups of God...Our duty is to resign ourselves and do what God wills.”
Life has shown me ways to consider the precept of restraint that I could never have “come up with” on my own, no matter how hard I’d tried. And Practice has allowed me to be open and attentive enough to thisherenow so that I catch the insights as they come. It’s such a relief to relax and let Life lead. One might even say it’s a joy to practice restraint!
Gassho,
Jenn B.