As I write this I am sitting on the beach, in a foreign country I have wanted to visit all my life, enjoying the sun on my skin, dipping my toes in the sand, and watching the waves roll gently onto the shore.
Life is Good!!
For much of my life I believed, like many of us conditioned humans, that regular life with all of its responsibilities (work, school, meetings, family, bills, chores, etc.) was a drag and that I needed to get away and go somewhere new -- somewhere remote and exotic, where I had no responsibilities -- in order to finally be able to relax and fully enjoy myself. I was tolerating life, surviving the daily grind, holding my breath until I saved up enough money and vacation time to be able to let go and unwind for a bit.
No doubt the initial change of scenery would bring with it some level of relief, but in an appallingly short period of time I would find myself on some tropical beach, lost in a conversation about something wrong/not enough, tortured by judging and comparing voices and beaten bloody by a non-stop narrative of self-hatred. I was in paradise and completely miserable.
After years of repeatedly trying to force a vacation to make me happy and coming up short, I came to the depressing conclusion that the problem was me and that no matter how far I travelled, I could never go far enough to get away from myself. Vacation would not solve my problems, and in spite of what all the travel brochures were pushing, it became very apparent that white sandy beaches do not necessarily equal a relaxing good time.
The problem I had been trying to escape wasn't "my life"; it wasn't the job, the chores, the relationships, the responsibilities. It also wasn't "me"; there was nothing wrong with me that was broken and needed to be fixed. The problem was simply that I was unconsciously giving all my attention to a non-stop hateful conversation in the head about "something wrong/not enough" creating the illusion of separation, and as long as attention was on that conversation (no matter where I traveled to!) I was doomed to suffer.
The elegant solution that Practice offers (dropping the conversation in conditioned mind, and redirecting the focus of the attention to the lit-up life experience you choose) has the benefit of not requiring any special circumstances in order to experience joy. I don't need to be on vacation in order to feel good; in fact, if attention is on thisherenow, I can feel great right in the middle of something the voices would call "awful" or "unbearable.” It's freedom.
Of course, this miracle doesn't happen overnight, and there is no magic without wholehearted commitment to showing up and doing the work. It's a practice, and like Cheri says, "What you practice is what you have." That's why, much to ego's dismay, my travel itinerary on this adventure is completely supported and surrounded by Practice. I am enjoying the beach, seeing the sights, meeting new people, AND I've filled my travel calendar with practice opportunities -- daily meditation and Recording and Listening, Zen Awareness Coaching Calls, an R/L Training Class, "Seeing with the Eyes of Love" calls, the Practice Mornings for facilitators, etc. We are so lucky in this Practice to have so many incredible remote practice opportunities available via phone and Internet; no matter where we are in the world, we can stay plugged into a supportive conversation! I'm finding Wi-Fi connections, dialing in, participating, staying connected, and embracing the responsibility for showing up to help steward this practice that has given me my life. I choose presence, I'm prioritizing practice, and it makes all the difference.
Life IS good!! And it's not good because I'm on vacation, it's good because moment by moment I am practicing being here for it.
It is lovely to visit new places, to meet new people and experience foreign cultures. AND I am no longer confused about where the Happy comes from. I don't go on vacation so that I can be happy; I practice presence everyday so that all of life (including vacation) becomes a relaxing, joyful cause for celebration.
Gassho,
Lakota