Participation: I am a long-time participant with the Zen Center and the Monastery. I live near the Monastery and am usually there twice or more each week. I have attended scads of workshops and retreats with Cheri and/or the monks. I do a lot of volunteer work for the Monastery from my home. If I were to tote up the amount of money I’ve donated over the years (I have no inclination to do so), the amount would probably startle me. And the truest thing I know is that I receive back vastly more than I give. (In Christianity this would be called “witnessing.”)

Self-hate: Self-hate tells me, with extreme frequency, that I don’t participate enough. “Yes, you participate, but not enough, and, frankly, your level of willingness could also use some work.” If I were the right person, I would devote all day, every day, to the Monastery, and then maybe my spiritual practice wouldn’t be in such a sorry state. If I ask self-hate how much enough is, it can’t really say. All it knows is that I would be the person I should be if I weren’t such a slug.

The good news: Participation has taught me not to believe the voice of self-hate. Oh, it still sucker-punches me occasionally, when I’ve drifted away into separateness and suffering; but, much of the time, I hear it as it arises. Most days, if I turn my attention to it, I can hear a stream of you should, you shouldn’t, why didn’t you, won’t you ever, you’ll never get it, blah, blah, blah.

In my experience, self-hates big problem is that it doesn’t know when to shut up. It goes too far. It’s not skillful at picking its battles. Participation is only one of a barrel full of criticisms it has of who and how I am. Over the years I have had several responses that I give it when it starts talking to me, things like “That’s projection,” “Is that so?” and “How do you know that?” My current favorite is “Shut up.”

Now, you might think “shut up” is a bit harsh. Where’s the compassion, the gentleness, the acceptance characteristic of this most marvelous path? Well, unlike my inner children, self-hate does not respond to kindness. Its only interests are judgment and sabotage. That’s who it is; that’s what it does. “Shut up” feels to me (today) like a perfectly fine response to it. I hear self-hate say what it says, I believe it for about two seconds max, and I tell it to close its trap. Simple. Elegant.

So I recommend participation. I recommend getting clear about which of the voices talking to you day in and day out “don’t have your best interest at heart,” as Cheri would say. Acquiring that skill is worth any amount of time and money.

Gasshō