It happened again the other day.  While I wasn’t paying attention, a habit I’ve had since childhood began to take over my life. 

I had just left a wonderful lunch meeting with a friend, got into my car, and automatically started to replay our conversation in my head a piece at a time.  As I continued to chew on our dialog, a voice would chip in: “Oh, I could have said ….” Or, “Oh, no! What if she thought I meant____.” (Fill in the blank with any negative interpretation.) Or, “I should have been clearer about that.”  Sometimes the commentary would be absent, leaving only a line-by-line rephrasing of my words, as if I were revising a story. 

All this critique arose after a pleasant conversation.  You can imagine how the replay for a difficult one would go. 

For years, I didn’t consider this process to be a judgmental one.  Conditioning had convinced me that these instant replays would somehow lead me to communicate more effectively.  Only through this practice was I finally able to see that this attempt at self-improvement is actually a lack of self-acceptance in disguise.

Now I can watch closely and notice that this process keeps me coming back to ego’s favorite dwelling – a dank prison where feeling subtly inadequate or not quite good enough is part of the air I breathe.  It’s not that I’m suffering in a major way over this, yet focusing on how conversations could have been better doesn’t leave me feeling free and at peace either.  And I’ve learned that once I leave the present to take up with conditioning, other unfortunate thoughts are only a half-step behind, carrying the blocks to build thicker prison walls.

Like any other habit, mine hasn’t dissolved just because I wanted it to.  However, the other day after lunch when the habitual replay started, I turned my attention to feeling my hands on the steering wheel, my body in the car seat, my foot on the gas pedal – and I breathed the fresh air of the present moment.  A simple act, yet I realize what a radical movement it is.  I chose total self-acceptance without conditions, which in this case meant without believing conditioning’s input on how I could have lived that lunch better.   Shifting away from that process to acceptance and the present moment took me to a peaceful state of well-being. 

Following the example of that small but mighty choice, I can practice the same movement with every moment that passes.  One radical breath at a time.