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Reflective Listening Buddies Program
What Participants say about the program Last night on the call my buddy was sharing something painful that self-hate was telling her. It was sort of heartbreaking, and really, all I could do not to say, "Oh, sweetheart, that's a LIE! Just drop it!" In the moment, I could see how giving in to that impulse could really poison the waterhole for my experience with this buddy, or for their experience in the future, or indeed could filter into the whole program. And I didn't give in to that impulse, but I noticed how hard it was. Often, ego will tell me (with great authority) that what I'm saying makes me a terrible person. I can't possibly tell my reflective listening partner that I lied to my boss, because they will know for sure that I am a bad Buddhist and a bad person. Surely, that person will be shocked and dismayed and hang up immediately. Then, my 'buddy' simply and compassionately reflects what ego convinced me is the deepest character flaw ever. Ego's take on things seems pretty useless, pretty fast. I also wanted to pass on that there is free software called Skype that you can download to talk free to people in international locations through your computer. All you need is an internet connection, then you download the free program to your computer. You do need a headset - but can use a cheap one effectively. My partner and I are using this so that the calls are free from Japan to the US, and I thought it might be helpful for other international folks to know about as well, or maybe even help encourage folks in other countries to participate if they have been concerned about the long distance costs. I am so grateful for the Reflective Listening Buddies program! It's amazing to me how beneficial just 15 minutes of being reflected can be. What a unique opportunity to be able to share and "just" be heard -- without any input, suggestions, advice, interruption, sharing, distraction, etc. from the listener as would typically be the case in normal everyday conversation. It really allows me to go deeper and further with my process and awareness, and to really hear myself. While I thought that it would feel silly to have someone repeat back what I had just said, I actually find it helpful in allowing me to take that next step in my process of gaining awareness. If only we could all connect with each other in such a real and meaningful way all the time! The difference between 15 minutes of chatting with someone about what's going on with me, and 15 minutes of simply being listened to and heard and reflected is like night and day. So deep thank yous and deep gasshos for providing this unique and beneficial opportunity! It's an experience like none other I have had in my life. Something I notice in the phone calls is that I have thoughts of things I want to share that relate to what the other person is saying. I become aware that all I need to do is reflect back what the other is saying and that brings me back to being present with that person. It helps me be aware of my thoughts, for example, wanting to give advice and wanting to bring the conversation to myself. I am bringing this awareness into my conversations with others and find myself becoming a better listener and able to be more present. I don't feel as compelled now to give advice. This is a very interesting process and I am very grateful I love the program. I think it's just great at so many levels. I find both sides of the call very helpful. When I speak, it is just so lovely to have the opportunity to explore my process in this very "heard" way. When I listen, I get to practice "just listening" and not adding. In addition, I notice that it alters the way that I interact with people in my everyday life. I notice that I have an easier time sharing and articulating how I'm feeling, and I notice that I have an easier time just listening and trying to understand others' perspectives. One interesting experience I had was in switching partners. I had gotten very accustomed to meeting at a particular evening time. When the new partner came, because of time zone differences, the only time that we could both do was early in the morning for me. At first, I was pretty frustrated with this and thought it would be unworkable. But what wound up happening is that I started talking about things I notice at night and in the morning. Having usually attended group in the evening and gone to guidance at the monastery in the afternoon, I realized that there was this whole world of stuff that never got talked about because "daytime" processes captured my attention during these discussion times. So it was a very neat discovery. In particular, it's really opened me up to exploring a sleep disturbance that I have had for many years. I feel like I'm really starting to befriend it now. I have noticed how doing the practice of reflective listening with my buddy has made the practice available to me with others I interact with. For example, when I connect with my partner at the end of the work day, I become aware that reflective listening is available to me as I listen to her. Using reflective listening helps me relax and be present. I love not having to have an agenda, not having to accomplish anything. The practice touches my heart by bringing forth the experiences of kindess and tenderness. I wanted to share a few of my experiences in the Reflective Listening Buddies practice opportunity. Just as walking meditation can bring to light a different set of awarenesses than sitting meditation, and working meditation, the RLB practice has brought to light aspects of the personality that have remained unnoticed until now. I so appreciate the structure and format, because all I have to do is be present and willing, and so much is revealed in that time frame. Another wonderful means of bringing awareness and seeing that the way we do one simple thing equates to the way we do all others. Thank you for this opportunity to share! Yay – I can talk about my experience. I have many things to share about the RLB program. I’m grateful for the opportunity to be required to show up. Making a commitment for this, and keeping it, is very supportive to me. I’m also grateful for the commitment of my partner. I figure, if my partner can show up for me, then I can show up for him. And, projection being what it is, I’m only ever showing up for myself!!! So, showing up for myself is the best thing that can happen. One of the many benefits for me of reflective listening is that, when I am sharing, it does not get in my way of seeing how I live my life. All I have to do is look inward and share what I’m seeing. And then that is reflected back to me. It’s like it opens a doorway for me to move forward, to see how I limit myself, and to see beyond those limitations. I’m often surprised to find myself very lively and full of energy after I finish my call. It’s as if the call allows me to see how I’m blocking myself, and how to let that go. The reflective listening buddies program has been a godsend for me, reconnecting me with the sangha and the monastery and bringing the practice alive in a way that personal interaction can do. Frequently I notice that my buddy and I are looking at similar processes, and sometimes what my buddy is describing brings up something I want to look at, even to the point that I may feel s/he is doing the looking for me, that we're doing it simultaneously. At our last session I found myself able to look closely enough at an old process that I could see many new parts and players about it. I wanted to keep it up all afternoon, just taking turns reflecting and talking. I though what a powerful experience that would be, sort of a telephone workshop for those who can't get to the monastery. I think the essential benefit of this new practice opportunity is how expands and deepens my awareness. The sharing aspect is really important. RL provides any opportunity to.... One of the interesting things I've noticed about the reflective listening process is hearing patterns in my partner's sharing. I hear them making a "discovery" or having the same insight several times within the 3-month period. Projection teaches me that I am probably doing the same thing, and in fact I have sometimes sensed after a big Aha moment a kind of deja vu experience, that I'd realized this before. I think conditioning wants me to believe that one big revelation will transform me forever, so that I can relax and stop paying attention. If I have the same realization again, that's a "failure". I feel this program has intensified and accelerated my ability to notice conditioning at work: hearing the voices more often, seeing their absurdity, being more often able to not believe them and turn my attention away, accessing the mentor, disidentifying from suffering, judging less and loving myself more. All this is happening during severe financial and health challenges, which I find amazing, that well-being can increase during painful circumstances. Since I have been unable to come to the monastery for a retreat in 2 years, this program has been a lifeline for me. The conference calls are like being back for group, hearing new and familiar voices, practicing together in sangha. I just got off the phone with my buddy, and I wanted to share what a wonderful experience it was. It’s just amazing to me that this program allows us to create such a safe space and such an intimate space at the same time. It’s quite amazing to me to share what feels like really personal experiences with a complete stranger. Conditioning would have me believe that “safe” and “intimate” are at opposite ends of the spectrum that cannot come together in one experience. But they do!!! That’s my experience of it. Thank you for offering this wonderful practice. Today during a reflective listening call, I experienced a bad phone connection - lots of background noise and difficulty hearing my partner speaking. Then, on top of these distractions, another phone began ringing, then an answering machine came on and loudly recorded a message for me in the background. A range of experiences came through - feeling bad and wrong for not "controlling" this unexpected event, feeling defeated and sure I would not be able to reflect my partner with all of these distractions, etc. However, something quite amazing then happened - some part of me was committed to staying present. There was a concerted effort to focus through the background noise, low volume, and phone message in the background. I found that I was able to direct my attention away from the phone caller, away from the sounds, away from the voices telling me how I was doing this all wrong, and I was able to stay present for the call. Wow - what an experience! One of the things I really enjoy about these calls is that they seem to provide microcosm experiences that instill the confidence and possibility for me that I might take them out into the macrocosm of the larger world. I have noticed for example that I can let myself off the hook and don't have to do the call perfectly, and that seems to open up space for me to do that "out in the world." And today I realized that with focus and letting go of the voices, I could stay present and direct my attention despite distractions swirling around me - something I'm now very excited to keep practicing! |
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