My favorite metaphor for relationship with egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate has always been Charlie Brown and Lucy and the football. Lucy says, “Hey, Charlie Brown! I’ll hold the football and you come running up and kick it.” Charlie Brown always does. She always pulls the football away before he gets there. He always falls on his back.
So did I, for many years (and, truthfully, often still do). Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate throws out one of the most believable fears, I run right into it, believing the story, experiencing the sensations that get labelled fear, and I suffer. It is as transparent as Charlie Brown and the football. And the only thing that has a prayer of changing the relationship, the suffering, is to stop running for the ball, to change my response to conditioning’s bait.
I’ve chosen a simple mantra, “I choose peace and joy,” that I can turn to instead of toward the old tired story. I do it at first recognition of the “football” and say it until the football story holds no attraction. I am redrawing the cartoon of my life, turning it from one of fear and suffering to one of kindness and peace. It’s a continuing practice, many times a day or even an hour. It’s a practice that is reinforced with all other practices: sitting meditation, recording and listening, participation in retreats, workshops, and all Sangha opportunities.
Have the sensations of fear and dread ceased? No, not yet, not fully, and sometimes not at all. Has my relationship with those feelings changed? Absolutely. Conditioning and I may still find ourselves on the same playing field, but now I am on the offensive.
And as I play this new game, there is plenty of opportunity to strengthen many practice principles: There is no change in consciousness without a change in behavior. What you practice is what you have. The process is the outcome.
When egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate puts that football on the field, I welcome the challenge and the opportunity. “No thanks. I choose peace and love. I’m playing a different game.”
Gasshō.
Mickey