The guide has been discussing ego boundaries with me. I have had an unexpected dip into depression. I think it is fleeting. Is it ego who fears things like 'others will notice' or 'this will last forever.'?
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In a word—yes. That conversation IS ego. Ego has its illusory existence in a conversation in conditioned mind. No conversation, no identification. Consider this: You can’t be depressed without a conversation. No label, no conversation, no depression. I know, it sounds out there, but if you look closely, you’ll see it’s true. You may not have a lot of energy available, but that’s the extent of it. Depression is a conversation. If you had the same amount of energy in a conversation of, “This is great; I’m so relaxed I can finally rest,” you would not be calling what you’re feeling depression. This is why Recording and Listening is so important; ego cannot maintain its fake picture of life while you are engaged in, and while attention is focused on, a conversation of presence, gratitude, kindness, and love. Not possible. Attention can only be on one thing at a time! Please prove that to yourself and let me know. I’m looking for every “Amen!” I can get. Gassho
Practice stronger than ever. Hoping small voice has enough strength to not get overtaken by much more dramatic attention grabbing voice (regular reminders). Inspiring to think of channeling effort to be benefit to all. This “project” is a big distraction from what I feel is my real gift and calling.
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Life will let us know what is our “real gift and calling” as we watch closely. Ego often wants to talk about what could/should be happening rather than what is happening. As the big picture comes into view, we get to see that everything in our lives, even—or especially—those things the voices say are distractions, are essential pieces in the puzzle. Rarely does egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate talk about “distraction” unless Life is “distracting” us from ego’s agenda. Know what I mean? Gassho
Adding to suffering is not helpful. I left the door open with sign well lit. The shouts are loud, moaning, angry, demanding, pleading, and bitter, painful to hear. I look at projection. Commit to practice self care. Breathe. Watching ekc/self-hate ploys to drag me back into the drama. R/L Gassho
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It is indeed difficult to go up against all that karma—ours and everyone else’s! We just keep returning attention to thisherenow, reminding ourselves that everyone—ourselves included—is adequate to their life experience. Good to remember too that any voice we hear in the head that calls us “you” and speaks in judgmental, threatening ways is NOT the wisdom, love, and compassion that animates us. The judgmental, threatening voices coming from outside the head we can safely overlook. Gassho
Maybe knowing what to do sometimes doesn’t pop up because it is the very steps of getting here, to the unfolding knowing, that is the knowing itself, Life itself. Which might otherwise be skipped. Being with not knowing is learning in itself, being here in the knowing of not knowing.
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Yes! Exactly so. We don’t know and we’re not going to know because there’s nothing to know and no one to know it. It’s not about knowing. Ego so wants us to believe it’s about knowing because the pursuit of something that doesn’t exist can keep a human being in the suffering state ego needs to appear to exist for a lifetime. Gassho
I want family" was response to why I see them. want grandparents for my kids (they are good grandparents). I want my parents to see, hear, validate, appreciate, and treat me as competent and respect me as an adult/parent. also need to learn to do that myself.
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Sounds as if you’re starting to see that YOU are the one who needs to see, hear, validate, appreciate, treat, and respect YOU as an adult/parent. When we have those glaring “kick me” signs on us, those “ego buttons” ready to be pushed, we can’t really blame other people for participating. The way “others treat us” gives us great information about where we need to focus attention. A hint: Getting out of any and all conversations in conditioned mind about “them” will speed your journey. Gassho
Seeing how downsizing/simplifying/organizing behaviors serve as coping (illusory control) mechanisms in difficult times. To simply ‘be with’ without ‘doing’ feels like a way of honoring Life in all it’s forms. 'Doing' becomes turning to love, kindness, acceptance, and staying ‘here’ with what is -- open to Life’s guidance. R/L
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There’s a very helpful insight, eh? Religious types have long encouraged us to consider that it’s the “good” behaviors that will be our biggest stumbling blocks on the path. Once we get the “wake up and end suffering” bug, we’re happy to go after those “bad habits” with a vengeance. But let go of the good stuff? All the ways I’m the “right” person? Oh, that’s so much harder, hence the marvelous opportunity. Gassho
Crushing depression, insomnia, anxiety back. Feeling of failure. Nigh on impossible to R/L things I love/positives. Perceived deceit is massive trigger/grenade into my nervous system. Real or imagined? I'm told imagined. Nervous system hypersensitised to deceit from long history - mother (pathological/illness), previous relationships. My stuff? R/L
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If you define “my” as egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, then yes, it’s “your” stuff. We are looking at eons, kalpas of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate here. We don’t just get to say, “Okay, I’m done; I don’t want this to happen anymore,” and have it go away. Once we jump into the fray with both feet, we don’t even idealize that. Finding our way out of this maze of suffering is going to free us. Free us. Give us FREEDOM. It’s gonna involve some rough patches. Everything up to “nigh” is an ego-supporting conversation in conditioned mind. The “nigh” sentence is you being bamboozled and falling for it. OF COURSE IT’S CHALLENGING TO R/L OUR WAY OUT OF LIFETIMES OF SUFFERING. The rest of what you wrote is also an example of ego conning you. Can you see that? (I bet the voices are shrieking about how insensitive I am and how I don’t understand.) It’s really, really hard to R/L until you can successfully get attention OFF of the stories and INTO the present. AND YOU CAN DO IT! Gassho
Pattern: I think he's fabulous, don't want to feel rejected, work super hard to get them to like me. Feeling safe I'm liked, I become critical and irritated. Feel egocentric karmic conditioning deluded me into picking the wrong person, which it may have. Beatings, noodling, breakup and alone again. R/L Gassho
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That entire story is an ego-maintaining soap opera. It is karma-solidifying on steroids. That is a commitment to suffering. You have a choice: Continue with that “pattern” and maintain ego suffering, or stop it and turn attention to practicing awareness in thisherenow. Gassho
After last guidance ekc had all kinds of responses/stories. The mentor and I are reassured that guidance is available everywhere when present. Period. Also, taking our time when faced with ekc anger stories really works, gassho.
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That old “count to ten” adage is a good one, isn’t it? “Sleep on it” is another. We know what to do, we just don’t do it when in the grip of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. That’s okay. The Buddha reassured us that “when we’ve suffered enough” we’ll begin to cut our ties to the suffering-causing voices of ego. That’s what you’re doing. That’s very good, huh? Everything we need to “know” is available to us in the present—we can count on that. Gassho
Holding conditioning’s reactions to mirror eye-opening. Hovers whip always in hand. Besides, says my existence is responsible for suffering of those around me; feel toxic. And judges them for expecting me to buffer their suffering, me for not being able to. Avoidance. Floodgates opened Seeing (yay!) cruelty in specific situation. (Get an L on that R, okay?) R/
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Yours is a perfect expression of how ego maintains itself. “It’s your fault” is followed by “it’s their fault” which is followed by “it’s your fault” NONSTOP! That’s all the conversation in conditioned mind is—WHAT’S WRONG. It’s you, it’s them, it’s you, it’s them is varied once in a while by “it’s that.” It doesn’t always seem so, but when we look closely we can see that it is. And it’s ALWAYS cruel, isn’t it? Gassho
I do have a schedule, feels like especially when doing work/emails, "getting things done" the habit is very strong to get into conditioning, tension and stress. Not clear if the initial schedule is kind then gets taken over, or perhaps conditioning is creating the schedule. R/L Gassho
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Nothing is anything in and of itself. Ah, language! That would be better stated, “Anything is nothing in and of itself.” A schedule is just a schedule; tension and stress are ALWAYS ego. Have a schedule, have no schedule, egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is going to be on you every moment to suck the life force out of you. That “noodling” is a perfect example of how it does it to you. Tension and stress are what’s causing you to suffer and the voices get you to wonder if there’s something wrong with the schedule. See what I mean? How do you break that habit; that’s the question. Gassho
When conversation is particularly problematic/I feel especially bad, I go into “I -don’t-know-what-to-do mode”. Fear my R/L-practice is co-opted then and I’ll get even making myself feel better wrong. See ego all over that, human is sad/confused so vulnerable to old/comfortable beliefs. Grateful that my practice is strong right now.
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When you hear the “I don’t know what to do” conversation rev up, turn on a recording about what you most appreciate in Life. Then record everything you appreciate in what’s surrounding you. Listen to those recordings (making more recordings as you feel inspired) until attention is no longer on the “I don’t know what to do” conversation. Here’s where we’re going: There is no such thing as an “I” that is ever going to “know” what to “do.” That whole mess is one of the favorite bamboozles of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. Keep attention on thisherenow and Life will guide your steps. No worries. Gassho
My husband and I talked about our different way of seeing things, my urgency and his lack of urgency about getting things done. He concluded that we are different Myer’s-Briggs types INTJ and INFP so of course we see things differently. I felt better after discussing this with him.
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Just don’t confuse “feeling better” with freedom. With that approach you will need to find out what the “type” is of everyone with whom ego has difficulty, and then be consoled that “this difficulty exists because we’re different types.” “Typing” does not address “urgency,” does it? This is what it comes down to: do you want to look to conditioned mind to “figure out,” or do you want to be free of conditioned mind. The urgency conversation happens in conditioned mind and is the source of suffering. Urgency will be replaced with another content as soon as you figure out urgency. We get to choose whether we want conditioned mind or presence to guide our lives. Gassho
R/L’d what you wrote, did 2-handed exercise, see new insights. I get identified then send wrong message about spending. Then the karma gets multiplied with their egos not wanting to do without. Also see how I haven't asked for support because ego wants to provide. I will ask. Gassho
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Very good. That will, at the very least, give you a new step. One thing to keep toward the front of awareness is that “they” will get just as identified as you do, possibly more so, since your “stake” is higher than theirs. See what I mean? I may, in this moment, want wholeheartedly to support you in your efforts, but then I get busy, involved, distracted, identified, etc., and I forget all about how much I want to support you. Now it’s about “me” and “me” is always going to come first. (By the way, ego doesn’t want to “provide;” ego wants maximum suffering!) Gassho
I'm excited! I know the difference between wholehearted participation and ego's competitive pushing/doing. The task looks the same, but the process/experience is completely different. One’s like joyfully rowing in a boat headed wherever life goes. The other is effort/unease, trying to force the boat to go "my" way. Gassho. R/L
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Amen to that! That’s a perfect description. It’s not what; it’s how. The content may be anything; the process is what matters. Gassho
Dropping story of other people and trying to come back to thisherenow. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate insisting presence isn’t safe, pushing for isolation, distraction, making world small. Aware excitement about experiencing peace/joy and rescuing her precedes takeover. More time with Mentor, breath, message no danger here, just compassion? R/L Gassho.
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Well, there is danger for egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, isn’t there? And that’s what you’re getting to see. Very exciting, indeed. When you feel those isolate, distract, make the world small feelings/messages, you can know ego is threatened and learn to see those as signals that you’re heading in the right direction. Expansive! Gassho
I project adequacy and inclusivity to my community. Then, instead of resistance, there is an ego takeover of “my” idea. Much excited conversation. But the awareness had already expanded beyond me to include others. Life offers limitless possibilities that “I” could never do or get. Nothing to “do”. R/L Gassho
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Just let it all unfold, yes? Who knows where any of this is leading—if anywhere! We get to be here as Life unfolds in each moment. The joy of that is enough, isn’t it? Gassho
My mind does prefer to label teachers as right or wrong, good or bad. If a teacher whom I love so much betrays me, I would have the tendency to label them as a "false" teacher. But I can extend my love to them all, because they each taught me a little.
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OR YOU COULD DROP THE WHOLE NONSENSE! What you’re describing is not love. The “my mind” that “prefers to label” is egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. There’s no love in egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. In fact, there’s no “me” who is being “betrayed.” The whole thing is a set up to keep that judgmental conversation in conditioned mind fueled. It’s keeping “alive” an illusion that there’s a “real separate self” called “I” that is having all these dualistic experiences. There is no “my love.” Can you see that? Gassho
With the assignment: be "changed into fire," I noticed unbridled enthusiasm over a new professional opportunity. I follow the impulse to learn and teach more about online rhetoric and design that inspires non-violent environmental action. I don't know what good might come from that fire, but I'll find out.
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All we have is NOW, right? You’re inspired, enthusiastic. Those are two words that beautifully describe the experience of being present. What will “come of it?” Nothing. All sorts of things we experience as “good” may be in any given moment, but they’re not “coming from.” Do you see the very subtle point in that? The danger, always, is that we’re present, we see a possibility, and rather than staying in presence for the next moment of possibility we go off with what turns out to be egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate in order to “do something.” If we stay in the guidance of thisherenow, we never lose the inspired enthusiasm and we get to be present as all sorts of unfolding happens. See what I mean? Gassho
While caring for elderly mother, suddenly, vividly, saw how conditioning denied and deprived her body of the rest, care, and support it needed. Flooded with compassion for her and me, too. Same process! So clear! Since then, seeing a bombardment of continual bamboozlements. Really?!? So obvious! Wow! R /L
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Thank you. Got to have a happy dance on that one! We’re here. We’re paying attention. We see it. So obvious, so clear. In swoops egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate’s damage control brigade. “Look over here, look over there, what about that, you didn’t see that, no, no, no, you didn’t see that….” But you did, didn’t you? Good for you. And you R/L so the brigade won’t be able to take the awareness away from you! Gassho
In dark room. Participating in practice opportunities. Conditioning says I should just quit; obviously isn't working. The shift comes with one smile and turning attention to unconditional love. Attention habitually goes to what is wrong. Many practice opportunities. R/L
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ALWAYS the “answer” from egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is “you should just quit.” We should just quit so we can spend the rest of our lives in the dark room with it. I don’t think so and neither do you! Instead, we’ve learned how to turn attention to, how to choose, Unconditional Love, and in one of those dicey moments a smile reminds us. It’s so good, isn’t it? Eons of lifetimes, so we’re told, have conditioned us to give attention to “what’s wrong.” We’re realizing that’s a waste of time, a waste of a life, because in fact there’s nothing wrong. Right? Gassho
Insight from class responses: the attention ego keeps on itself when we struggle to get rid of it. I struggle with: how to be OK with ego-infested experience when I know ego-free moment is so much nicer? I know Compassion is the answer but sometimes I just don't know where to find it. R/L
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Well, yes, actually you do. It’s in those two letters at the end of what you wrote: R/L. You don’t have to be okay with ego-infested experience; you can ignore it. As soon as you realize what’s going on—that you’ve been snatched by egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate—you can pick up your recorder and listen to compassionate recordings. The practice is to pick up the recorder. That’s what the voices will go into overdrive to stop you from doing after which they will tell you you don’t know what to do. You do. Gassho
I have recently discovered a body sensation which ego has used for years to severely limit joy of living. I intend to ignore the voices and hold the sensation in loving awareness. Anything else? R/L
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That’s an excellent practice, though it can contain a danger. The challenge will be to keep the voices from defining the experience. A sensation passes very quickly when we turn full, no- conversation attention to it. You stay still, breathe, let the breath flow through the whole body with that area of sensation included, and the sensation will pass. The reason it will pass is that there’s no attention holding it in place. Attempting to hold the sensation in loving awareness can give conditioning access to an “is it working/is it not working” assessment.
Can’t wait to hear what happens! Gassho
Waking up to and singing along with exuberant morning songs on my recorder totally transformed the last 2 mornings! Joyous music first thing (with optional dancing/walking) rekindles that flame inside that had grown dim/dull. Very lit up! Changes the energy dramatically. Surprisingly simple and easy! Huge Gassho. R/L
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And can be repeated as needed throughout the day, yes? Gassho
I asked: "who am I according to ego?" Answer: "every waking moment you should worry about harm coming to people, search out ways to avoid it!" Enlightening. Also noticing Ekc fights to make process of asking for any reasonable reassurance terrifying and filled with "bad will happen" too.
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I project (and hope) that you’re catching on to the fact that egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is VERY invested in you listening to, believing, and acting out of that nonsense. True? Here’s the piece you really have to get: this is a “cold turkey” situation. There’s nothing to know or understand or figure out or make peace with or anything else. You are addicted to heroin; you have to quit. It’s that straightforward. Any indulgence of asking questions such as “who am I according to ego” is just “shooting up a little.” If you want your life, you have to stop that. Gassho
Shoulds/shouldn't are so exhausting so making more effort to just notice them and breathe. What happens should (oops) I mean will be ok.
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Being the ball in ego’s ping-pong match of dualistic thinking is what people finally die of. True.
It’s exhausting for the human being, but it’s not for egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. Dualities feed ego. Without dualistic back and forth thinking, there is no illusion of a separate self called ego. Good to keep in awareness that being distracted by conditioned mind is the very best way NOT to be okay. Gassho
Having first experiences of listening to ego conversations without identifying. Sorta like eavesdropping on strangers :-) It’s illuminating to observe without participating! Mentor drops in a comical metaphor: EKC is a troll under a bridge, only scary if you believe it’s real. Wow, practice CAN be fun! Gassho. R/L
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Oh, so much good stuff in that! Yes, “watching” ego out of the corner of the eye is like listening in on strangers. It’s great to realize they are strangers, isn’t it!? Ego is like a troll under a bridge that is scary only if you believe it’s real. That says it all. As soon as we’re not identified with it, no longer believe it, it has NO POWER! Woo hoo, huh? Gassho
On the cushion a direct experience arose of ego/I depends on a “me” to feed it all day/night with “my” story, “my” opinions, judgments, assumptions, projections, beliefs. This non-stop feeding leaves little room for LIFE to guide the human. Wow! what an insight, not just an idea or concept, but a somatic realization leading towards freedom from suffering. Who cares about body degeneration now? R/L Gassho
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Another AMEN! And another Happy Dance for me, thank you very much! Glad you have that R/L practice so ego can’t make you lose that clarity. Gassho
I understand presence as our true refuge. I have trouble integrating the accepting environment of nature into the more chaotic environment of life. Sometimes I’m there. Then I’m distracted. If I’m aware I can pull myself back. If not, I’m off down the road of judgment, fear. Bad place. Gassho.
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Is the trouble with integrating the accepting environment of nature into the more chaotic environment of Life or of ego? Nature and Life are one, yes? Egocentric karmic conditioning/ self-hate is an illusion of separation from Life. People get caught up in conditioned mind, which fuels ego’s “doing.” Caught in programmed urgency, busyness, distraction, pressure, etc., a person is easily pulled into conditioned mind’s (ego’s) faux reality of fear and judgment. Very true. That’s why we must practice. Without developing the ability to direct attention in each moment we are indeed doomed to that “bad place.” Gassho
Basic compassion would be eight hours sleep every night. Historically, there hasn't been willingness for this, especially on weekends. Seeing ekcsh bring in "doing it right means doing it perfectly." R/L. Heart says do your best. What ARE you willing for tonight? 7.5? Ok, 10:30 bedtime it is. Gassho.
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The confusion here is that “you,” authentic human being, are making these choices. Ego has the “doing it right…” crapola going, Life doesn’t. The heart wants you to do your best, which means, “choose your heart.” Only ego is unwilling--ever. The heart wants far more for you than compassion that is “basic.” You know all this, right? What you’re closing in on is ending ego’s reign of terror. YOU, authentic human, get to choose for you. No negotiating with ego’s phony standards. Remember, ego does not give a flying fig about you doing it right or perfectly. Ego just wants to control the attention and keep you in suffering. Gassho
Your response extremely helpful. Emailing you brings clarity. Focus. Focus on the moment, focus on what I block out in calendar, focus on coach especially. When, if ever, is it okay to deviate from previously decided way to use my time? Gassho.
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You can do that right after you’ve lost all interest in deviating! Here’s the trick in that: Only ego is going to ask when it’s okay to let ego be in charge again. The answer to that is NEVER. When ego has no ability to influence you, when you’re so dialed in to Life’s guidance that you and Life operate as a unit, you’ll be ready to let Life choose your schedule/activities. Ego? Never. Gassho
I notice when I am experiencing joy, a thought of undeservedness; when experiencing pain, thought is recognition of sad identity, pretty convincing, has child's certainty. I don't like the concept of voices , scares my need for cohesion. But kid always wants to talk about her suffering.
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You’re describing egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate calling the shots. When you’re present and feeling joyful, attention goes to conditioned mind and the message received is “unworthy.” Then attention goes to pain and the message is, “Yes, this is who you are. This is right.” Sadness. Probably goes back to before you can remember. (Ego didn’t just join the party last week!) Ego doesn’t like the concept of voices, might cause you to question its position as “undisputed authority.” And, the more you watch the more you’re going to realize that “kid” is not a kid. That’s egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate masquerading as a kid. If you keep watching you’ll see telltale signs of child impersonation by a clever actor. Gassho
My husband cautions me to eat more carbs to gain weight saying I’m not robust enough for our annual bike ride abroad. The voices jumped on that one in a big way. I know fear is not the way. I’m fine. I will fearlessly trust my guidance. R/L Gassho
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Fear is not the way to robust health and wellbeing, but it is the way to feed ego, right? It gets you on one side of the duality and then tosses you over to the other. Fearlessly look to Life, to the Mentor, to keep you well. No voices! They give very bad advice! Gassho
After 48 hours of saying, "I'm choosing to (XYZ) (whatever is in the moment, I saw SO CLEARLY that I am choosing to not take my social security now! End of discussion, no duality from here. Might I choose differently next week? Yes, but that's not my concern from here.
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That’s the ticket! No conversation. Period. Intuition will guide us, not nattering and noodling. Might you get different information down the road? Of course. And you’ll respond then to whatever that is. That’s how we roll! Gassho
Blessedly, yes I've had experiences of dropping the conversation and finding peace!!!.. yet I also know from experience what a happy relationship feels like, and this ain't it lol. It feels addictive, like we both keep trying to quit and we're both stuck and can't quite let go. R/l gassho
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Well, might it be a happy relationship if you both were in it rather than trying to quit and believing you’re stuck addicts? Please read what your neighbor just got to. The content is about as different as content can get, but the process is exactly the same. Be where you are now, and if you get new information about that down the road, you can respond. Maybe the addiction is to the story of addiction? Maybe you’re not stuck but are where you are to be seeing and learning what you are seeing and learning? Gassho