“This will stay between the Mentor and me.” Someone on Open Air was recounting how he talks to the Mentor about things he wouldn’t mention to anyone else. This made me wonder, “Is there anything I don’t talk about with anyone? Not even with the Mentor?”
I felt an urge to find out, so I started a two-handed recording.
“Honey, is there anything you don’t feel comfortable talking about with me?” asked the Mentor. And, surprise, surprise… there was! I will call it “thing X.”
Thing X is a personal taboo. Just thinking about it makes me blush, just typing the words in the google search box (which egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate says I should NEVER do) causes a weird sensation in my stomach. I know that everyone has their “thing X,” the Mentor told me, but egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate doesn’t want me to remember it.
So what did I notice? To write this, I am listening again to the recordings: I can hear my voice trembling while describing my fascination for this thing, and my shame. I smile hearing the Mentor making fun, in a loving way, about the whole drama and asking me kind questions. The Mentor isn’t shocked at all.
“Do you want to look up thing X together? You can google it with the recorder on if you’d like.”
“I’d rather keep talking to you Mentor and close my eyes.”
“Of course, Honey, whatever makes you feel comfortable. Close your eyes and keep talking… don’t fall asleep on me, though.”
And on we go, the Mentor and I. I am describing stuff that until now I’ve only talked about with conditioning, inside my head. My face is red, my heart is pounding, but I keep talking, and listening. Something is coming out of the dark. I don’t know if there’s a seed there that will sprout, or if it’s mold and spider webs growing unchecked in the dark. (“Penicillin is a mold though, Honey” says the Mentor, “And spider-webs have lots of uses…. Let’s not label things, Honey.”)
All I can report so far is that I am excited because there will be more conversations like this, they won’t be inside my head, and still no one else will need to know for now.
One last thing I noticed: not only are there topics egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate doesn´t want me to record and listen about, there are also situations in which I am discouraged from finding comfort in the Mentor. One example was last night: I got home more than a little tipsy from a social gathering, with conditioning replaying in my head a movie of the “bad things” I’d supposedly done and telling me “you cannot record and listen now…not in this condition.”
By some grace of Life, I still took out my recorder, and all that was there was Love (and I cannot think of a moment when I needed it more).