For many months, I have been aware of waking up each morning to a dark overlay of negativity, an experience of pointlessness, uselessness, despair, and “everything is wrong.” Like the Peanuts character Pig-Pen in his cloud of dirt, it enveloped me. The day was not going to be any fun at all. I had this work to do that I didn’t enjoy. I had an appointment I didn’t want to go to. I had to clean the living room and do the dishes. Life was boring and blah and tedious. And this was, of course, my fault because, being the wrong kind of person, I was doing all the wrong things and wasting my time on the planet.
This self-hating story has hung around, draining my energy and will to live for many decades, but what changed a few months ago was that I saw – thanks to my Awareness Practice binoculars – it was a cloud of ego dirt, it wasn’t “me.” I am the one who knows it’s make-believe. I am the one who knows what it’s up to. And I am the one who can choose to ignore it, moment by moment.
This doesn’t mean the cloud has disappeared. In fact, I am now aware that it moves in, trying to cover my clear, blue sky, at all times of the day and night. That’s probably a good thing – keeping me on my toes, Binoculars ready. (Practice Binoculars are magical; they are always available.)
As I write, I can see in the corner of my eye the cloud moving in. I feel my stomach churning, my hands starting to shake. “This article is stupid, you’re such a failure, so useless, you’re wasting your time,” it says. “What made you think you could write something!”
I breathe into my stomach. I get Here. I remember what the dirt cloud is and who I am. I get out my Practice Binoculars and adjust them slightly. “Oh, it’s you,” I say. “You’re probably right, but I like stupid articles. Brilliant ones are often harder to understand.”
It starts to huff and puff, but I interrupt. “As for ‘failures’ as you define them, they are the kindest, humblest people – some of my favorites. In fact, I’m one of my favorites, and my life is one I cherish. So if you’ll excuse me now, I need to finish this, so I can go outside and waste some time walking under a clear, blue, summer sky and smiling at any beautiful failures I happen to encounter.”
I’m taking my Binoculars.
Gasshō
Kathryn