First ‘evidence’ came up was list of accomplished tasks. Then dropped in, ‘I am doing the best I can’: I work hard, am fulfilled and others seem to respect/benefit from my contributions, regardless of being the ‘best’. Insight dropped in: the ‘evidence’ became I am showing up to practice. R/L
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So, the only “evidence” that there’s any problem whatsoever is coming from a conversation inside your head, yes? Isn’t that good, cause we know we can safely drop that! Given that, what kind of “conversation” do you want to live in? Gassho
The direct experience of Presence, a game changer. Saw on another level the gift of ego trying to run old patterns of direness, figuring out, focusing on others, and Life noticing and then dropping it. Gratitude for this practice - it is waking up and saving this person's life. Gassho R/L
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Gratitude for the person showing up and practicing, yes? It’s everyone and everything all coming together, isn’t it? How will you avail yourself of that “direct experience of Presence” going forward? Gassho
Tougher going! ekc wants more work, less play!.more guilt!listening to R/L of this so far daily. A schedule seems great!will be more objective!less subjective. Struggling with how much time to give to what!arm wrestling with ekc.R/L
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When we first go up against egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate’s control of a particular aspect of life, it does feel as if we’ve just run into a buzzsaw. That passes. Keep in mind that ego doesn’t want anything except human suffering, which it requires to “survive.” Whatever you’ll listen to and believe is what it will say. Since that’s the case, you can make up anything, agree to stick with it, stick with it, vanquish the voices, and get on about your life! Here’s a possibility: Make a list of all the things you want/need to do in a week. Lay out your schedule for the week to accommodate those things (kind of like retreat schedule). You have times for meals, personal care, introspection (meditation, R/L, yoga, etc.), exercise, and working meditation. Perhaps you end your individual schedule at a particular time and move into “family time.” During working meditation (maybe a morning and an afternoon period) you get through that “want to do” list. Do that for one week and evaluate. But during the week—SACROSANCT! You will see it all. Gassho
Oh, oh. I came up with the idea to do a daily appreciations of ME recording every morning. Judging by conditioning’s cry of outrage, I’m on the right track. A recording of loving and admiring myself as the spiritual hero on my path. So far, conditioning doesn’t like listening. R/L.
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What a surprise! I’m shocked, aren’t you? Those voices are there to take care of us, keep us on the right track, make sure we don’t make a mistake…. How interesting that they don’t seem to like us. And they don’t! Make them listen often, huh? Gassho
Dissatisfaction story shifts from job struggles to intense frustration over sexless marriage. I talk to my wife about touching again and she brings up old hurts. I acknowledge mistakes but am angry. Ego says here's the facts: lousy job, no sex, hopeless. I am so stirred up it scares me.
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Bet you don’t feel depressed though, do you? It’s good to take these opportunities to see where the energy goes when it’s not available for us. Since we’re doing awareness practice and not acting out practice, we can safely explore lots of options. Is there a counselor you and your wife could see? I don’t know if there’s one anywhere nearby but I really admire Imago Therapy. It’s like awareness practice in that we don’t have to endure yet another go-round of “what my parents did wrong.” It’s very here and now stuff. So, that’s 1) Are you two willing for counseling? 2) What are you willing to risk? Do you want to stay in this marriage no matter what? 3) How far are you willing to go to save the marriage? I have more questions but how about if you look at those and let me know what you see. Remember, insight not noodling! Gassho
The koan of willingness has morphed into freedom. Freedom from identity. Practicing with small daily content choosing to thwart karmic patterns. Yet, aware that just holding the koan in my awareness is quite enough. No, to conditioning's urge for an improvement plan as the is nothing wrong. R/L
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Oh, so very, very wise! No self-improvement plans because there’s nothing wrong. If I had the money I’d get that up on every billboard in the world. We don’t need to listen to the voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate tell us what’s wrong with us, and we don’t need to follow their advice for our betterment. We don’t need them at all. Hooray. Just keeping attention on thisherenow does the trick. Gassho
Feeling like there's nowhere to go from here in this dialogue. I'm letting go of suffering over suffering and practicing taking care of, being kind to, and supporting this human. Not doing a great job of taking care, but noticing that and bringing kindness there. Gassho.
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Isn’t that somewhere to go in the dialogue? How are you NOT doing a great job of taking care and what will it take to do a great job? Gassho
Yes! Writing a response opens the portal that allows insight to arise. Life is providing information all the time. A conditioned NO arises a split second later and obscures the truth of what Life was pointing to. Karma predisposes us to fall for certain conditioned traps. R/L Gassho
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Yep. And we will fall if we’re not paying close attention. Until we are paying close attention, there doesn’t seem to be even a split second gap. There isn’t even a trap! It’s just how it is. No is just the answer. Yes? But then we see it! Oh, yippee skippee. There’s that gap people keep talking about. And it isn’t tiny! It’s a PORTAL for heaven’s sake. You got it. Gassho
Why does my ego go ballistic in romantic relationships? I can ease on down the road with a friendship, but when intimacy comes into it, I, and I’ve noticed other well adjusted people, go into some version of DEFCON4 and everything is heightened. R/L
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You mean even “normal” people feel that way? I had a friend who told me that she goes to bed with someone as one person and wakes up a completely different person. Sound about like it? First it’s not “your” ego. That’s the most helpful single thing you can get. It’s not you, it actually has nothing to do with you. It’s just attached to you, something added on later, around adolescence. Well, the add-on started way before that, but lots got solidified in adolescence. One of the next “most helpful” things to get is that ego will go after you with anything that’s important to you. Romantic relationship when that’s an issue, but if you get married and have kids the “what” it gets you with will change. The importance of this is how it can help you. That’s where awareness practice comes in. You can use watching the process of the voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate torturing you to learn how to be free of suffering. Sound good? Gassho
Dropping the story of having to get this right. Noticing who gets to speak in this submission. Mentor assures me I am always accepted, always loved, always belong to Life. How could it be otherwise. And, still wanting to be having a different experience. Suspect compassion would be helpful here. R/L
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I suspect you’re right! You’ve been around practice long enough to know the reason you’re not having that accepted/loved/belongs experience is that you’re looking to egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate for information. It’s never going to give you anything but no—no acceptance, no love, no belonging. It’s a “no” and it’s not going to give you a “yes.” Stick with the Mentor, huh? How can you practice choosing the Unconditional over the conditional? Gassho
The other day I tried affirmations. It was the nicest 15 to 20 minutes I've spent. Aware but still moving, bringing attention back to breath. I tried to replicate this a couple days later. It didn't work. Headache. Keep practicing, right?
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Yes. And go for reassurances rather than affirmations. Stick with what’s true, and repeat until it lands. Did you read that one about the father who taught his kids always to say “thank you” until they mean it? That’s it. Stick with “You are lovable and I love you” until you know it in the marrow of your bones. (That was just my version; you need to make up the one that speaks to you.) Gassho
I see that Ekc wants me to believe that I do not actually have the ability, the power, to ignore its voices.. And that it would be much easier and more comfortable just to give up. It helps to think of this work as a journey full of joy and not such a struggle.
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Good. And I can promise you this—giving up would never be easier or more comfortable. That would be signing yourself into a dungeon with “You chose this” written across the inside of the bolted door. As soon as you get to that “never gonna quit, never gonna give up” place, things will begin to turn around. You’ll have the energy back for you, and with that energy comes lightness, fun, expansiveness, and a sense of adventure. Stick with it. You’re right there at that “fork” we keep talking about! Gassho