I recently became aware of a habit through my participation in the Reflective Listening Buddies program and through my own recording and listening practice.
Here is how it all goes down:
It is morning. My eyes open and I am awake. Lying in my bed, within a fraction of a second, I am aware of the voice that has been with me as long as I can remember. A system scan is set in motion as the voice asks, ¨How do I feel? Is this going to be a good day or a bad day?¨ From a secret bunker located somewhere in my head, the system scan returns information related to sensations in the body. Some mysterious karmic computer uses an algorithm to compute whether the sensations and associated thoughts and emotions add up to a positive or negative outlook. That orientation then determines another set of karmic patterns and subsequent behaviors. The course is set. Unless something comes in to throw this train off the tracks, I will ride along with conditioning largely trying to determine what I do that day and, ultimately, who I am.
Uncovering this pattern was startling for me. Once I saw it, it came into focus clearly with sharp definition. Conditioning had quietly convinced me that it was the authority. With it in charge, it has the power to shut out the possibilities that I know exist beyond its puny perspective. Saddest of all, my authentic nature is not allowed to fully express itself.
In pulling apart this process, I uncovered a belief that was the key to keeping it all in place: the belief that there was nothing I could do to change it. Whoa! Of course. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate had fixed me good. It had me believing there was no way to loosen its grip on me. Indeed, every idea I came up with to change this habit was met with an abrupt block from conditioning that basically translated to “that will never work.” When I saw this, I laughed. Once again, of course! Conditioning was coming in as the authority. Why would it want to encourage my efforts to dismantle the very system that it relies on to survive?
I decided to start doing the first idea that popped into my head, and I proceeded to ignore the protests of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. I decided to try listening to recordings for one minute in the morning, first thing when I wake up, and no matter what. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate said “No! Impossible!” But I did it anyway. It could happen. It is possible.
And you know what? It made a huge difference. I woke up listening to practice reminders instead of listening to the voices of self-hate. I woke up to possibilities. I woke up remembering who I really am. I woke up into being. Just being.
From thisherennow, there is no question about “will this be a good day or a bad day?” Instead, there is the joy of waking up into curiosity. What is here? What is in my heart?
When I am waking up from deep sleep and facing the new day, that is a vulnerable time for me. Why not support my heart in that moment?
Right now, as I look at all of this, there is immense gratitude. I am so grateful that practice allowed me to see this karmic habit, and I am so grateful for the opportunity to see what comes next.
Gassho,
Lisa