Practice Corner

May you listen to your longing to be free.
May the frames of your belonging be large enough for the dreams of your soul.
May you arise each day with a voice of blessing whispering in your heart …something good is going to happen to you.
May you find harmony between your soul and your life.
May the mansion of your soul never become a haunted place.
May you know the eternal longing that lies at the heart of time.
May there be kindness in your gaze when you look within.
May you never place walls between the light and yourself.
May you be set free from the prisons of guilt, fear, disappointment and despair.
May you allow the wild beauty of the invisible world to gather you,
mind you, and embrace you in belonging.
- John O'Donohue

I’ve had a lifelong sense that there was a way of being, of living, an expression of authenticity, of who I came here to be, and I wasn’t living that life. I didn’t always have words for it, it wasn’t an intellectual knowing, but something deeper. I couldn’t see it until I could see it, but this discontent has been a gift. It was my longing to be free that led me to this Practice.  
 
Prior to Practice, much of what I did was motivated by a sense of deficiency. I moved ahead toward some vague future outcome, plugging along with egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate at the helm. I looked to other people’s lives, comparing myself with those I projected were comfortable in their own skin, who weren’t afraid to speak, or be seen, and wished I could be like that. I imagined how my life would be…someday, believing that when I had the _______ (right body, degree, job, partner), then I would be _______ (happy, free, loved). 

The country song title, “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places” drops in, and I smile. I see that I was looking for Life in places it could not be found. There’s still a pull to look outside for an answer, but I have enough life experience to know that’s not going to work. It’s never worked. I want to be here for Life now, while I am alive. 

Through a recent assignment for the yearlong retreat, I noted an energy, an excitement, to do the practice, in this case setting alarms to meditate three times/day. “Maybe this was the missing piece? I can’t wait to get started!” Not surprisingly, there was no starting, no alarms set, no meditating three times/day. What was “good to see” (as we’re fond of saying) was that I was putting Practice on the to-do list, adding it to the list of things I needed to do to fix my life.  

Bringing this to a conversation with the Guide, I was invited to look at my enthusiasm for Practice and to the space right before the thought, “Ah, ha! This is the thing I’ve needed.”  Through her guidance, I saw that what I experienced in the breath before the thought was what I was looking for. In the Guide’s voice, I projected a generosity, a love, an acceptance that, in her presence and through her words, was reflected back to me. In an instant, I could see that the enthusiasm for Life is who I am. Nothing to do, nothing to change. It was already here. The experience of, “that which we are seeking is causing us to seek.”

It is with great gratitude that I can now see that whatever has happened to this point was not a mistake. Ego tells me I should have had this insight decades ago or should have known it all along. Or another favorite, “Oh well, too late now.” But there was nothing wrong. It didn’t take too long. It took as long as it took. I know there’s more to see and I’m here for that.

In gasshō
barbara m